What am I supposed to do? I feel like I have taken a giant step backwards in a matter of moments. How do you deal with impossible people? Tonight I was attacked on every side and I failed. I got sucked into the games, I allowed this to distract me and wear on me. I only want what is best for my daughters, why must everything be a battle.
God what am I to do? I fear I am losing everything, I feel it slowly slipping and I am losing my focus. Draw me back to you. I am crushed and heartbroken, empty and torn, I am drifting. I feel so alone and helpless. I am trying to do what is right. I pray and ask for your strength and love – I ask that you help me forgive and treat them out of love; God how do you love those that hate everything about you. Those that are so irrational and deceitful – how do you love us?
God I cannot do anything without you. I do not have the strength in me to even calm myself so I can sleep. My future is so uncertain – it is scary and seemingly ready to destroy me at a moment’s notice. All I value and hold dear are hanging by a single thread and it is fraying. Why bring me this far to crush me? I know you are good and your ways are always the best and just – God help me to see past my current struggle, my current trial, help me to focus on the victory. Forgive my fears - my fears show my lack of faith. You are the creator of all things; I know you can carry me through this. God because I know I cannot. I am empty and broken.
For years I have tried to figure out my path. Tonight I am broken. I am beaten down and I feel totally alone and misunderstood. I feel like I am alone against the world and there is no encouragement, no justice, no support, and no hope. Renew my spirit oh God. Take me in your wings and protect me. Mend my broken spirit and cleanse me of my sins. God I have been sifted, if I must endure more I ask for your strength to endure. I do not know your ways, I do not know your reasons, but I do know you are God and you are good. I will trust in you. “Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.” (Psalm 20:7)
You know the desires of my heart and you know my path. You know the purpose for which I was created. I have spent enough of my life trying to do things my way – whenever I failed to do it 100% your way, I failed to submit to you. Forgive me. My life, my daughters, and our future are in your hands. I do not know how Abraham felt; I can only imagine when you told him to sacrifice Isaac the conflict he must have had in his heart. God you know the tremendous faith he showed taking him up that hill, God strengthen me… I am walking up my hill and I have to trust that you will provide for me just as you did Abraham.
Forgive me for viewing them as my daughters – they are yours. I praise you for loaning them to me and allowing me to be in their lives. May I never taint their perception of you, you have allowed me to share the title of father – but I know that I am only a sinful man. God may they see your light in me, may I model your behaviors and encourage them on their walk. If there is anything in me that can hinder them I ask you to remove it. I have played enough games in my life, wasted enough time, squandered enough gifts and talents… I am sorry.
God forgive me. I am nothing without you. You can do all things and you do not need me for any of them. It is only by your grace that we are invited into a relationship with you, that you allow us to know you, and that you gave us your Son so we may be reunited with you for eternity. God how selfish am I? I cannot fathom losing my daughters for a day. How much did it take to allow your blameless and perfect son to suffer, be tortured and murdered by the very people he was sent to save? I cannot understand that kind of love – I can only stand in awe and be thankful for your mercy.
God I am heartbroken – not only for my current trials and situation, but the reality that each time I sin I am the reason Jesus died. That your law is clear, you tell us repeatedly that the price of sin is death… how often do we try to white wash our sins? We are making a mockery of your son’s sacrifice. I am so sorry. We take your mercy and grace so lightly – we have allowed ourselves to become accustomed to saying a quick little prayer and moving on. We have allowed our concept of a “relationship” with you as a quick bath – “Ask God to forgive me and I am good. Go to church on Sunday to start the week off with a clean slate.” What happens if we die on Wednesday? Or how about Saturday night? Your son was beaten, broken, and died a horrifying and brutal death all for me. How can we forget that? How have I failed to understand that I cause the need for that sacrifice on dozens of occasions DAILY? Maybe we are just so sinful that we cannot distinguish our own level of sin.
God I have prayed for you to teach me to love like you – to give me the love you speak of in the Bible…. I thank you for the works you have begun in me. I find comfort in, “Be confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil 1:6). I did not know exactly what my prayers entailed, but I will not change it. I know that these trials and sifting are all part of your purpose for me and you are changing my heart and I thank you. I will praise you in the suffering because I know you have a purpose and that if it were not necessary you would not subject me to it. You are good.
I forgive my anger tonight, my actions, my thoughts, my pride, arrogance, and the haste at which I went to them. Instead of turning straight to you as the pressure mounted I tried to “make sense” of the situation. I tried to grab the wheel. Forgive me. Cover me in your love, your joy, and your peace. May I keep my eyes on you and submit to your guidance and will – may I hear you clearly as the noise of the world rages around me. May I know your voice so distinctly that I can focus solely on you during those times.
God you are so good to me. You have blessed me beyond anything I could ever deserve. I thank you for your faithfulness and goodness. God I ask that those that oppose me in various areas of my life, that you show them your love and may they know you. May they see you in me, may I not allow my flesh to taint your image and may my interactions with them be consistent to your character. God I am so sorry… Thank you for your son and the gift you gave me.
-Amen
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