A friend of mine sent this to me. She is walking down a road some people can not imagine and trying to pick up the pieces. It takes a lot of courage to share her stories and she knows she still has a ways to go, but she will make it. If we focus on God and His healing, He will bring us through all things. We do not deserve to be continually punished for our mistakes of the past, that is a lie to keep us away form the blessings God has for us, but unfortunately it is a successful lie that is used to keep us from being truly free and truly healed. Here is her story...
One of my friends that I have grown to love and respect had referred me to this site. I have shared just a small portion of my life with him and he felt that this site would be a good place for me to share and hopefully not only heal but help others in the process.
The only way that I can begin this long story is with brief stories, one day at a time... That is the only way to heal... day by day.
As this story begins, it starts about 30 years ago when I made some very bad decisions as a teenager, most teenagers make decisions that can really tear families apart, and I was one of them. I thought I knew it all, so with my decisions it tore apart a very close relationship between my mother and grandmother, did I care at that time, no, do I now? Yes I do. When I made my decisions to disrespect my parents, they decided enough was enough and pulled me from my school in junior high, and alienate me from my friends. I was sent to Hawaii for quite some time, upon my return I was put into a high school where I knew no one, which was a good thing for me. I met my high school sweetheart at that time and decided to have a child, during my junior year in high school I became a mother and wife. My husband at that time joined the military and we moved to another state where I was forced to grow up quickly, no family was there, just my husband and son. From time to time I would fly back to San Diego since I was so homesick, than I decided to make very poor decisions; I was not ready to be a wife, that I practiced infidelity. I could not live with my decisions that I told my husband and he forgave me, can you believe that? Why? I hurt him! For awhile I did really well then I turned 21, started to go out without him to clubs and became involved with drugs, buthe still forgave me for my indiscretions. I thought OMG does he really love me or does he not care what I do. I became so heavily into drugs that I almost died, I even did them in-front of him and he never stopped me. (I have been clean for over 20 years now). With us arguing so much I learned of his temper and it scared me. He became so controlling and violent he even attempted to throw a brick at the windshield of the car while the kids and I were in it. From that point I just stopped caring. Once again, I chose to go outside of the marriage since I thought he did not care anymore. After I was date raped, he told me that I "deserved it". At that point I knew my marriage was over even though he said he wanted it to continue. How could I stay with someone that I did not respect anymore? He wanted so much for us to stay together, but I could not do it anymore. I blamed myself for everything, since it was my fault, even the date rape was my fault and I did deserve it.
I caused him so much pain and destruction; I broke his heart and turned his world upside down. From that day forward I deserved anything bad that happened to me, even heartache and allowing abusive men into my life, I did not deserve to ever be happy again. This is just one story that I finally forgave myself for. My guilt led me down a path I have worked hard to put behind me. I ended my 13 years of an eating disorder. I went through a partial inpatient treatment for this, along with counseling, group treatment, facing family too. The hardest part of the treatment was when I told my dad and son that I was date raped. I was so ashamed of myself; I could not turn to anyone to tell them of this. The eating disorder was my best friend through this painful journey; it helped me by me hurting myself. I carry a heart problem from this disorder, as I abused my body to cover up the pain that I caused to him and myself.
I have learned to put on a good facade and pretend that everything is okay, but writing this has shown me that everything is not okay, that there is still more for me to face and write down to clear my mind, heart and soul. I pray every day that God will continue to forgive me and help me rid the demons from my past.
I am not perfect by far, but I still have much to learn. I am not the same person I was 20 years ago, I am so different. I believe that I am a better person now. I try to make better decisions, take nothing for granted, and always consider others. I have even been told that I think "I am perfect", I am far from perfect, I just don't want to go down that path again. I choose my friends and confidants wisely and try to stay as drama free as possible. I have learned from my indiscretions and I have had my heart broken so many times, maybe I am meant to be alone. After all that I have done, I don't feel that I will ever find love again, this is probably more punishment.
I will share more later.
S.
very touching.. thank you for sharing your story.. i hope you continue!
Posted by: storm | June 07, 2009 at 06:26 PM
your story has truly touched me! my life is in alot of ways a mirror to yours... this has given me the strength to begin my own healing... life's happiness is surely around the corner for you... NEVER give up the faith that YOU ARE deserving of all the world has to offer... true is yours for the taking... and IT WILL happen for you... I have true faith in that.
thank you
k
Posted by: kim | June 13, 2009 at 12:41 PM