A Battered Warrior

Forcing An Agenda

 

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,546280,00.html?test=latestnews
 

Living in California we have heard all kinds of things about Prop 8 - the ban of gay marriage. There were several commercials that stated that the supporters of gay marriage were also pursuing an effort to have homosexuality taught to elementary school children - of course this was publicly denied on statewide commercials and deemed a "scare tactic". Apparently it was not a false claim after all, in fact they have been teaching this in Alameda County Schools to kindergarten and up.

I remember when I was in school and they started teaching "sex education" in fourth or fifth grade. The teachers divided the classes, boys in one room and girls in the other. The "talk" consisted of changes we would experience in our own bodies, using deodorant, etc. Most importantly I remember a slip going home to our parents about a week prior, our parents had the option to have us miss that class because some parents did not want the public schools teaching their children about such topics. Parents had rights.

Why is it acceptable to allow the schools to be used to push an agenda? We banned school prayer, it is almost impossible to have a religious based group sponsored by a school, but the state legislatures are more than happy to appease the homosexual community. The biggest issue I have with the whole situation is that parents are not allowed to remove their children from the period of instruction.

Where are the rights of the people who believe homosexuality is wrong - not spreading hate, but that it is not in line with their personal religious beliefs? The states protect a parent's right expose their children to religion, but why does the homosexual community have more rights than anyone else in this matter? If I wanted my children to pray in school - or they wanted to give a religious based speech at commencement they would most likely not be allowed, so why are the legislators forcing this issue on parents and leaving them little or no recourse? Take to time to research some of the things that they are actually teaching and the texts, it clearly pushes a designed agenda not mere exposure.

How about a compromise, after all that would be the ideal solution right? The schools can expose the children to homosexuality and the agenda but they have to bring in a class on a Biblical perspective of it as well, expose them to all sides and let them decide. Isn't that they goal of education anyway? Some how I doubt that would be acceptable...

Tears To Joy....

Psalm 126:5-6   "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seeds to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him."

 

 

Tears and suffering will pass and give way to joy, our problem is that we want to know when. In our society we are filled with instant gratification and schedules - things happen on our timing or at the very least at a predetermined time. We know when our workday begins and ends, when our favorite television show will start, and even how long our commute will typically last. We become frustrated when OUR time lines are not to our liking - traffic jams, Presidential speeches that interrupt our television time, etc.

We fail to realize that the seasons of our life are on a similar time line - most things have a finite season, but we are not in charge of the clock. God only determines when - that is where we have to submit to His will. When we learn to submit we will be blessed.

Divorced Father = Deadbeat??

A Battered Warrior: (a rant)

 

 

 

 

 

    I came home from my second tour in Iraq, my third deployment in four years, only to learn that the democracy, freedoms, and rights that we are fighting to bring to other parts of the world do not apply to me when it comes to my rights to be a “daddy”. Any man can be a father but I want to be a daddy and there is a difference. Fathers sometimes pay support, sometimes see their kids, and might know a little about their children’s lives. A daddy looks forward to being able to play with his children, talk to them about their day, teach them things, and being an integral part of their lives and development.

 

    When my plane landed in Maine I activated my cell phone, I was anxious to talk to my wife and my daughters. I called and had to leave a message, I told them I would be home in about 24 hours. Our plane needed repairs so we went to get some food at one of the local restaurants. I had no more ordered my food when my phone rang. That is when I heard the words that started my spiral, “I don’t think I want to be married anymore.” There was no real explanation, she assured me there was no one else, but I knew. When my plane arrived in California she did not come to greet me nor did she bring our daughters to see me. I was forced to have one of my Marines take me home and drop me off. She arrived shortly thereafter and graciously agreed to take me to pick up our daughters from preschool. I moved my things into the spare room and tried to make sense of it all, but there was no sense to be made. Within a week she stopped staying at the home on the weekends, but the girls and I enjoyed our time – I was also able to learn the name of her boyfriend, another Marine. A couple weeks later I saw over 50 text messages between the two of them professing their love etc, when I confronted her she attacked me and was arrested. I was quickly thrown into a situation I never thought I would find myself, dealing with family advocates, victim advocates, Child Protective Services, counselors, and lawyers.

 

    I began the divorce process and 18 months later I am still mired in it. We have had several stipulations and orders issued from the courts, agreements to informal discovery, and a never ending mountain of paperwork – only surpassed by the legal fees. When my ex-wife moved out of the home she took several things that she was not supposed to but that it typical I guess, it was only things and they can be replaced. She moved from our home into an apartment, one she shared with her new boyfriend. Of course she denies it because that would limit the amount of spousal support I would pay – but when our daughters are talking about how “harry” sleeps in mommy’s bed, sleeps in his underwear, makes them dinner, etc, one can confidently put the pieces together. She moved out in June 2008.  At this time we were operating under the typical restraining orders; do not sell community property without the other’s consent, etc. Basically the debts are frozen, which was easy for her since she only took two bills and had enough money to pay those off in the bank – I was left with approximately $20,000 in debt and an $850 a month car payment (40,000 still outstanding).

   

    In July of 2008, she filed the Order to Show Cause to obtain spousal and child support. Shortly there after, before the hearing, she traded the car she was driving for a Lexus. The car she traded was paid off and she did it without my knowledgeand against court orders. Her Lexus payment is $540 a month, but she needed spousal support from me? We go to court in August and I am ordered to pay child support ($801) and spousal support ($672) a month. I was angry and stunned. No one wanted to talk about her new car, the fact she traded against the court order, took on a new debt, or all the bills I was left to pay… it was simple I made “X” dollars and the courts wanted to equalize the incomes. WOW. Never did they want to equalize the debts, that would come later – or so I was told. I was also paying ½ of the childcare for our youngest daughter and 100% of our oldest daughter’s education (totaling another $950) a month. I admit it was my choice to pay for our oldest daughter’s school, it was important to me that they have some sort of stability in all of this. They had attended the same preschool since 2005 and they were well adjusted to the school and the staff. Additionally the teachers knew our children and they were aware of the situation, I believed they could help us identify any regression or behavioral changes in the children better than a new school could. So I paid and I paid and I paid. The divorce should have been finalized in late October / early November, so I started juggling finances to buy time.

   

    At the time of the hearing in August 2008 we made a request for documents; she produced some of them in March 2009, some more in July 2009, and some are still “coming”. As long as we wait for paperwork, I am stuck paying so why should she produce it? The courts have a notion that a 50 / 50 child sharing plan is the best for the children, I still do not understand that. How many adults want to live in one place for a couple days, living by one set of rules, and surrounded by a certain environment only to have to move to a new house with different rules etc? Now add the stress of a person that will not allow you to bring some of your favorite things with you and constantly criticizes the other place you live etc, how is that best? In an ideal situation with perfect parents it is might be ok, parents are supposed to be able to place the children above their own needs and feelings. Though in a situation where one person is extremely egocentric, lives in deceit, and motivated by money and a huge sense of entitlement, it is impossible.

 

    Around November of 2008, my ex-wife (technically wife at the time) became pregnant, something she continued to deny to me and the children until May/June of 2009. Once she learned of her pregnancy she began to want a settlement which I would have been happy to oblige. However, her terms were that I would continue to pay spousal support until August 2009, keep all bills I was currently paying, give her part of my military retirement, and have the car refinanced in my name alone so it would not impact her credit. If I would not agree then she might have to move from California and take the children with her, because I am in the military “and you can say you are staying here but you will lose!”  Gee that seemed fair to me; I pay everything, give her part of my retirement (we were married for 5 ½ years), continue to support her through her pregnancy and then she won’t be forced to take the children from me! I could see the wear on my children and I wanted to settle, so I countered. I offered to take everything, refinance the car within a few months (it was upside down so it would be hard), but spousal support had to end – she refused.

 

    In March of 2009 her attorney wanted to attempt to negotiate a settlement, my attorney and I agreed to have a 4-way conference. We brought our list of documents we were requesting and left with more questions than answers. My ex-wife was more concerned about driving times than admitting that her boyfriend living in her apartment with her, being left alone with our children regularly, and being allowed to discipline them. She dismissed it as a fabrication on my part and implied that our children were lying. She denied being pregnant, stated she would be attending school this summer and return to teaching in the fall, and would have more time to spend with the children. It was a complete waste of time; the only ones who benefited were the lawyers’ pockets.

 

    We agreed to have the marriage bifurcated and it was signed 8 June – so we would be divorced in status only. This was critical to her, she was 8 months pregnant with an enlisted Marine’s baby and if she gave birth before the divorce was final he could be in trouble.  Mid-June she moved to a new townhome, one she leased with her fiancé. (She wore an engagement ring to our daughter’s graduation, but she later denied the engagement). In July she gave birth to her son, though instead of allowing me to care for our children while she was in the hospital (and complying with the court order), she chose to lie. On July 26 at about 705 pm I received a text message from my ex-wife, “Not allowed 2 drive or walk until i c dr tomorrow. Angela will b bringing the girls 2 me Ash”. This was five minutes after she was to have picked up the children; I refused to give our children to her friend. I offered to watch the children, if she could not walk or drive then how could she care for them? After a couple phone calls I agreed to bring the girls to her home – though she not previously told me where she lives. Naturally I asked where she lived and she gave me the name of the town! So difficult for no reason! Eventually she told me where she lived and I took the girls to her. As I arrived I saw her fiancé run inside, I though it was odd but dismissed it. Our children go to the door and knock but there was no answer. Within a couple minutes her friend Angela arrives and then her fiancé opens the door. I hugged our daughters and they went inside. The next day I texted my ex-wife to ask what her plans where when she went into labor for the children – she refused to tell me. Little did I know that she had delivered on July 25 and was in the hospital on the 26^th when she texted me. Our children spent the night with Angela!

  

    Legal fees keep piling up and I am barely treading water, I had borrowed money from friends, family and other relatives just to put food on the table and try to comply with the orders. The support was always paid, but the car payment would fall behind until I could borrow more money. Eventually I surrendered the car in July 2009 – I had run out of people to borrow from and there was no end in sight. Luckily for me my dad had a car that he let me borrow until everything is settled; it allowed me to get my girls to and from school, without my dad’s generosity she would have tried to use that to take the children. It was a true answer to prayers.

 

    We have been to court twice in August. Once on the 17^th to determine the school district for our children, the judge agreed with the compromise plan I offered, so the girls are enrolled in school and our youngest daughter can remain in the preschool for another year. Also on the 17^th she agreed to waive spousal support at the end of the month. On the 28^th we attended mediation. Early in the mediation she mentioned that she lives with our daughters, her one month old, and her HUSBAND. When I asked when she got married she gave the answer, “couple weeks ago”. It was shocking because we were in court about 10 days earlier and her attorney referred to him as her fiancé and none the income declarations listed him as living in the home! As you can imagine we did not agree on a custody plan, so now we are waiting for the report.

 

    Throughout the process I have been denied spending Father’s Day with our children. She said she forgot it was Father’s Day and had made plans for that Saturday so I could not see them until 1 pm but she wanted them back that evening. (This was after lawyers were involved). I knew they were going to Disneyland, so I decided that the girls and I would celebrate Friday night and Saturday at breakfast. (She told me this on Thursday, the normal time for her to pick up the children is 8 am Saturday on her weekends). The girls and I had a long talk and I explained that I would not see them on Father’s Day and it was ok – I wanted them to have fun and we would make a special breakfast on Saturday. We were all set. On Friday afternoon she calls and wants me to bring the girls to her at 7 am vice 8, I refused and told her that she already took Father’s Day and it was my time with them. She left a few nasty messages, accused me of denying them Disneyland etc. The girls and I had a good “Father’s Day” and were waiting for her to arrive at 8 am Saturday. What happened next stunned me – When she arrived she walked straight up to the children and said, “Did daddy tell you that we won’t be going to Disneyland today. We won’t be going because he could not bring you one hour early – just one hour and you could go!” I told her to stop and not in front of the children, she insisted that she was going to tell them because I needed to answer to them for it. My oldest daughter went and got into her car, head down. She accused me of taking it out on them because I was mad at her – she implied that I was mad about Father’s day and chose to punish her for it. Then she went to the car and opened the door and looked at my daughter and said, “You won’t be seeing daddy on Father’s day either because he does want to and he can’t pick you up!” I saw my daughter’s face and my heart broke. She knew the truth, but I knew that it hurt her too.

 

    I have boxes and boxes of journals and documents that I have collected throughout this process. I have read more books than I ever imagined on parenting through divorce – Ricci etc. No matter how hard you try, it seems like it is never enough. I have been told by so many “experts” and counselors, “As long as one parent is stabile and offers security and consistency to the children they will be fine!”  How? If a mechanic told you, “as long as you have half your tires and half of the cylinders in your engine are working, you will be fine!” we would laugh in his face. How is it that when we are talking about children it does not work that way?

 

    The girls and I have our “pinkie swear” that they know daddy will never break – most important is that they can tell me anything. The "swear" is simple, “if you ever feel bad, are confused, worried, or just need to talk, daddy will always be there for you. Anything you tell me is between us and no one will get into trouble. Sometimes daddy gets confused and doesn’t understand things either and no one likes to feel that way. So no matter what know that daddy and mommy both love you very much.” We end our little “pinkie swear” with a hug and usually I tickle them to make them laugh and smile, but I am so fearful of what they are being forced to deal with and the sadness they carry. My ex-wife has told them to keep so many secrets and I believe that is so bad for them – what kind of message is that sending. I believe that if you have to tell the children, “don’t talk about…” then you should not be doing it!

 

I could go on and on about examples of things that my children have been subjected to but it is so heart breaking. They need to be allowed to be children! I requested that the mediator include co-parenting classes and counseling for the children in the order, she agreed, hopefully it will be a good start. I would love for our children to have a healthy and loving relationship with both of their parents, I am just fearful that they are being placed on the back burner right now and my ex-wife can not even see it. She wanted to change their schools each school year, she was married and never told them or allowed them to be part of it, it is all about her wants and desires first and the children are along for the ride… that is the biggest tragedy in this and I feel helpless to stop it. Hopefully the mediator was able to get a feel for the situation but when they only spend an hour with you and you can not introduce anything “new” to prove your case to them, it leaves me with a less than easy feeling. 

 

    My one constant through out all of this has been God. I pray and read my Bible and have turned to my spiritual life for support and coping. Our children love to go to church and we go every Sunday they are with me. During this process I also started a blog, “A Battered Warrior”, just to let others know they are not alone. The blog has been visited by people all over the world; it is amazing just how many people have looked into what I have to say. I was contacted by “Dadsdivorce.com” and we post on each other’s sites, it is amazing how many other men are experiencing the same levels of frustration with the system. My site not only tells a little bit of my story; I try to encourage others to look at the children through the divorce process. I share poems I have written and verses that mean something to me – I even started a site on forgiveness to help deal with the hurt that can poison our lives. I will not say that I have released all my anger and frustration, but I have dealt with a lot of it – the hardest to let go of is when I see the children being used as pawns… at times I think she does it because that is the only time I respond to her.

 

    In 18 months my children have gone from daddy being in Iraq to mommy not being home in the evenings or weekends, to mommy moving out and living with a new man, to moving again, to learning of a baby coming a month before it is born, then mommy getting married and not telling them – they were not even part of it…. When is enough, enough? How can anyone think she is putting the children first? She is modeling that it is ok to lie, keep secrets, etc. What if a stranger tells them to keep a secret and they are attacked? There are so many issues and I feel so helpless.

 

    In a system that we profess that people are innocent until proven guilty, why is it that a father is a deadbeat until shown otherwise? Why do I have to prove that whatever I accuse her of is true and that whatever she says I do is a lie – why do I always have the burden of proof? Why is she allowed to continually profit through her lies and I am left holding the bag? Why is a “mother” allowed to cut her work hours in order to increase child support, but if a father tried that he would be crushed? Furthermore what kind of responsible PARENT would intentionally cut their hours and in essence deny their children?

 

    We live in a country that is protected by men and women that volunteer to defend the freedoms of all people, even those in other countries. We stand for human rights and people’s rights – but when a man comes home from war and only wants to be a Daddy no one listens. My story is, unfortunately, not unique; if the jobs and names were changed my story would fit thousands of men that want to be a daddy. It is funny; every person has a mother and a father, so fathers are not a minority. The media floods us with equal rights issues, many applying to specific minority groups (gay marriage, etc), but how often do we hear about a father mired in the system, on the verge of bankruptcy, and his only crime is wanting to be a DADDY?

Passing It Along

 

Last Sunday after church my daughters and I saw a table for World Vision. There were thousands of cards with pictures of children needing help. Normally I am a bit skeptical of things like this, I guess a lot of us have been poisoned by the television campaigns of the 80's and some of the reports of fraud and embezzlement, though one of our pastors had just returned from a Trip to Haiti where he met the child he and his family had been sponsoring. During his story and sermon I was moved, children have always been on my heart, so I talked to my daughters about helping other children.

My daughters are 4 and 6, sometimes their perspective is refreshing. We have previously talked about helping homeless people and giving some of our toys or clothes to those who don't have an so the concept of helping others was not new. I believe that they need to understand what sponsoring a child would mean, how it would help the child and that it might be a sacrifice on our end as well - once we agree to help that we are committed. I told them that we could help them buy food, clothes, medicine, etc, though I slipped and mentioned that often times the families did not have a car and would have to walk. That was the most shocking thing to my youngest daughter, she immediately focused on not having a car. "You mean they walk EVERYWHERE daddy?" I told her that yes, most likely they would. Her next answer reveals the true heart and mind of a child, "We could give them a car. They need a car daddy." It was settled, we would sponsor a child.

As we approached the table they were looking at all the pictures and cards. Their eyes widened as they saw children that looked like them, their age, etc. They both chose a card, one each. I told them that if we each sponsored one child that it might mean they would have to make a sacrifice. The blank look told me that I lost them. So I explained, I told them that it might mean that they can not get a new nintendo game or a toy sometime, that if we had to choose between going out to eat, buying a toy, or giving the money to help, we would always have to choose to help. My oldest daughter looked a bit concerned and said, "You mean that we might not get a buy a new book as much but we could still get some books, just not as much." I agreed. They both said, "OK." It was so fast and confident. They understood that it might mean they do without something but they would be ok.

I started to have this warm feeling in my heart, happy that my daughters felt compassion for someone they had never met and were willing to give up something to help others. As we approached the counter and I began talking to the lady my daughters began to tug on my shirt. I excused myself and asked what was so important - they each had another card with a child's picture on it. I asked what the other cards were for and they replied as only a child could, "You nee one too daddy." Wow, I mean in the big picture I was paying for them to sponsor a child, but in reality I had failed to consider my own sacrifice. I had asked them about giving up a potential toy or book, but I had not sacrificed anything. The end result is that each of my daughters will sponsor a child and I have two as well (they could not decide whose I should pick and they were passionate about both of them, maybe God was telling them something so who am I to refuse).

I am not telling this to say "look at me and how great I am," if anything I left there humbled. It took my children to remind me that I could do more and I should. Why can't we see things as a child anymore? I went on the website and saw all the gifts they offer for a person to buy for a family, to help radically change their life... it is truly humbling. We complain about traffic, about lines at Starbucks, having to eat at home more than eating out because of the economy, we complain about gas prices, the heat, the rain, the cold,... we love to complain. If we cut out one soda, one cup of Starbucks, or a candy bar each day we could impact the life of a child... $30 to $35 a month... I am not suggesting we ignore our own people who are hurting, but we should already be doing that! We are called to take care of those who need it, to show compassion, help the poor and needy, to love our neighbor... who is our neighbor?

I encourage you to look at the website and if you are moved please help them change the life of a child, if you can't do it yourself maybe a group can pitch in and sponsor one or more... The only way to change anything is to do something.

http://www.worldvision.org/

 

Pray For Death?

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/08/31/phoenix-pastor-draws-protests-telling-church-prays-obamas-death/

After reading this article, several times, I was left with one thought - "And we wonder why people HATE 'Christians' and see us as narrow minded and hate mongers."  I thought is was interesting that a pastor calls for the death of the President but then recants his position by saying he does not condone killing. Besides the obvious issues I have with the pastor's message I am more concerned by the fact he is the leader of a congregation and a spiritual leader to his church and he chooses to use his authority this way.

If the pastor wanted 15 minutes of fame - he got it. If he wanted to win souls for Christ, I think he missed the mark. So what was his intent? We are all human and need a strong support network and people to rely on to guide us as well, pastors are no different - so who told him this would be a good idea? I am not saying that Christians are not to be controversial - I have very specific views on may issues and I believe there is a Biblical basis for them, but I would be interested to hear where the pastor pulled this lesson from.

I may be coming off as judgmental, I know that we only have what the media is reporting and that can be skewed, but his quotes are hard to mistake. I thought pastors were to lead people to Christ, spread the gospel - not pray for death and for men to go to hell. if I could speak to the pastor I would ask him, "Why not pray that God makes himself known to the President (or whoever)? Wouldn't it be better to pray that there is a change of heart etc than to pray for eternal damnation?" Maybe I am the one that is missing the point...

 

 

 

You Were Ordered

 

 

Most of you know the deal – deployed to Iraq, came home wife has boyfriend, etc. Now we have been dealing with the divorce for 18 months, she still refuses to provide paperwork etc. We are divorced in status but still trying to determine the children’s living arrangements and the property portion. I have been saddled with all the bills these past months as well as child support and spousal support. I have learned that out justice system is a mess but if we put our trust in God, His system never fails.

    Last week I attended mediation with my ex-wife in hopes of coming to an agreement about child custody etc. I spent my morning in prayer and reading my Bible, I knew that she would continue to lie to the courts and I wanted to be in a place that I could not respond – after all it is about the children and not her attacking me etc. As I was reading several verses jumped of the pages and I placed them on index cards, I held the cards during the mediation – almost like a security blanket. At the end of the session we went our separate ways, she had been emotional, hostile, and very negative – all of which do not impress mediators when they are trying to help parents determine things that are in the best interest of the children.

    A week prior we had a court date so we could decide the school for my daughters. I had offered my first choice and an alternative school – she refused to listen to anything except the school that was next to her house… she ignored the fact the children had been going to the same school for over two years, she had moved and wanted them to be near her. (Currently we share custody and I retained the family home.)  The courts selected the alternate school because it caused the least amount of change for the children. At this hearing she decided to wave spousal support, so it seemed like she might actually be moving forward and letting go of things.

    Jumping back forward – during the mediation she mentioned she lives with her new baby (1 month) and her husband. I was stunned, husband??? Granted they have been living together for over a year, have had a child, etc – though she has denied all of it so I would have to continue to pay. I asked the mediator if I could ask a question and she agreed – so I asked when she got married. My ex-wife refused to answer, and then offered this, “a couple weeks ago.” Hmm we were in court less than 10 days earlier and she waived spousal support in an act of “good faith”, but the reality was that she was already married so she was not to receive it anyway. During that hearing her “husband” was referred to as her fiancé and it was stated that he did not live there…

    I gave her my check for child support last night, left out most of the spousal support – she was married she forfeited it according to the law. There was a knock at my door, there she stood and demanded I pay her for the entire month. She told me that the judge ordered me to pay for the full month and that I owed her more money. It went back and forth a bit, I told her that I would pay her what was owed but I needed to know when she got married. She refused – told me it was none of my business. In her anger she also slipped and stated that her husband had also helped her get her new home – she moved in June. This was curious because there are sworn statements she has given to the court in late June and July that her husband/boyfriend does not live there nor does he support her. Come to find out he is actually listed on the new lease! Amazing.

    Last night after the drama died down I started thinking and praying… God really has taken care of me. Granted it has been difficult and I have not always been an eager or submissive student but there is no denying he is working in this. Her outbursts in the mediator and her continual lies to the court and violation of the signed stipulations are piling up. The courts are getting tired of dealing with her; hopefully they will see that her motivation in all things is money and self – not the children. My only prayer throughout this process has been for protection for my daughters and that I am allowed to offer them stability. It seems like I am only a couple weeks away from a major victory.

    *Update – Her lawyer did not contact my lawyer yesterday, so maybe she was married in June or July. It is curious to note that my lawyer will pursue compensation of the attorney fees, filing fees, court costs, etc for her failure to produce documents, filing false statements concerning her living situation and spousal support. In other words her lies to get a few hundred dollars from me could end up costing her thousands.

    When we are being persecuted never forget to pray for those people who plot against you. I continually pray for my ex-wife and her new husband that God will make himself known to them and that they will submit to Him. That is the best case scenario out of all this – if we both understand God’s forgiveness and Love, then the children will thrive and after all that is what it is about.