Cooperative parenting? It is a nice concept but practical application can be trying at best. Cooperative parenting operates on one assumption; each parent’s desire to do what is best for the children outweighs than any differences they may have had in the past. These differences resolved or not, can be placed aside while they work together for the good of the children. If you can do it, the children will benefit from a more secure and stable environment and that is the ultimate goal.
However, when one parent lives for conflict and drama cooperative parenting can be a nightmare. My ex-wife seems to live for drama; she is due to deliver a child any day now. Her and her boyfriend should be happy, but she refuses to tell me her plans for our daughters. If she is giving birth who’s watching the other children? It seems simple enough – but no. She insists that it is none of my business and starts the drama again. She was placed on bed rest and I offered to keep the girls that night and take them to school so she could go to her appointment. She exploded, threatening to call the police if I did not let her friend pick the children up from me. I forgot to mention, this demand came via text message after she was already 5 minutes late – no advanced warning, no common courtesy, I was expected to hand my daughters over to someone else.
We are supposed to work on deciding a school for my oldest daughter, but she refuses to compromise on anything and refuses to disclose her recommendation. So each suggestion I offer is greeted with a swift no and a shotgun blast of excuses. At first I would try to systematically address each reason she offered only to have the reasons change. Quickly frustration sets in. Now we are forced to wait on a court appointed mediator to hear our case and then the courts will decide something that could easily be decided if each parent were willing to approach issues open minded.
Of course there are two sides to every story, but there are certain things that make a cooperative environment impossible. Once you are divorced there are boundaries that need to be respected – you each are allowed to move forward. If you are still trying to lie to each other about petty issues, it puts you both on the defensive. Each side must respect the other; they must openly consider their suggestion and reach a workable compromise. Cooperation is not a win/lose proposition – you both sacrifice things in order to reach an agreement that is genuinely best for the children. You have to be able to put aside your own personal feelings for the other person, your own selfish desires (convenience, revenge, etc), and solely look at the children. When two people cannot agree or discuss anything rationally then we are left with the Abbott and Costello bit, “Who’s on First”. The circles continue and the frustrations mount. Nothing is resolved, the children are pushed aside, and the damage continues. How hard is it to be objective?
I purposely avoided mentioning the circumstances surrounding my divorce – she found a boyfriend. She wants a divorce. They move in together and she becomes pregnant (before the divorce is final). I am not bitter, I just want peace. She lied about her living situation to obtain spousal support, so any interaction I have with her is tainted by her desire to perpetuate her lie about her living arrangement. She knows that once the courts find out she lied under oath, the support stops, so she is trying to protect it. Yes I want the support to stop so I can pay my legal fees, but my children need to come first. The tit for tat mentality only serves to annoy and frustrate. The truly sad part, besides the children, is that the mediator will hand down a decision, if it is not 100% what she wants, she will be angry. When she is angry she violates the orders and the circle continues. I guess I am writing in hopes that someone else going through this knows they are not alone and just maybe there is someone that is fueling the drama that might understand. Both sides need to respect the boundaries but in situations involving the children there needs to be honesty, only then can there be respect and trust re-established which are essential for a cooperative environment.
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