Today I had to catch myself, my ex-wife continues to use the children as messengers - something I have repeatedly asked her not to do. At least this time there was a note to accompany the message. The note was simple, "hair stuff, silver belt, tupperware." No request, no reference, not even another word - just simple those three items were on the sheet of paper. My daughter explained that "mommy wanted to make sure we brought those items to her." Ok I get the hair stuff (pony tail holder) and the belt - they were actually in the car last time we just forgot to grab them when they went with her. Tupperware? I was at a loss. I asked my daughter what tupperware she was wanting - since I knew nothing was sent to my home in tupperware. Then it came out - "Mommy says she left things at my school and that you probably have it." I was annoyed. Most of my frustration was because she refuses to take the children to the school anymore, instead opting to bounce them from babysitter to babysitter on the days they are with her. Besides the stability concerns for the girls (they have been attending this school for over 3 years), the school is 3 minutes from where I just picked them up! She wants me to be accountable for items she left at a school - I do not even know what tupperware she had there to begin with. She was at the school that day and she left it - but now it is supposedly my responsibility to get it for her?
I told my daughter I would handle it and dismissed it, I made sure not to show my annoyance to them or say anything negative. Then it started. My internal dialog... "Hmmm I should send her a note: Countless pony tail holders, 2 pair of jeans, dvds, toys, the girls computer..." Soon I was thinking of all the things my daughters had taken to her house and were not allowed to bring back - I felt my jaw tense. Then it hit me - WHO CARES? Yes I had the yellow rubber band, it was already in a zip lock bag and the belt was beside it. Why am I allowing this to bug me?
She has been working on alienating the girls from me - would not allow me to see them on Father's Day, constantly attacking things the girls and I do, just really nasty stuff. Though I have found an inner peace through all this... Prayer. My girls know the truth and they actually tell me these things freely and I reply to them all the same, "As long as we know what is going on and we are safe and having fun, it doesn't matter what other people think." Even when they continue to mention things and make it so easy to attack their mother, I try to assure them that we both love them and sometimes things just do not make sense and it is hard to know why things happen or people do things sometimes, it is best to ask that person. I have found that through this open dialog my daughters actually draw closer to me. They feel free to discuss things they are worried about or concerns - at the end of the day that is what is important.
When we got home we placed the items next to the list and set them on the counter so we would not forget them. I will ask the school about the tupperware - but if they do not have it I am not going to worry about it. I guess the point I am trying to make is that the children must ALWAYS be considered first. Those of us that have "less than a cooperative" other parent, we must take the high road - not because we want to but because it is what our children NEED us to do. The children see much more than we can ever imagine and understand far more than we give them credit for. They will also attempt to protect their parents - if they know that one parent continually attacks the other, they are going to be far less likely to talk about things to the aggressive parent. Children need stability and security, ensure that you are truly acting in their best interest and not out of spite. Once you have created that stable, consistent environment for them you will be amazed at how they respond. We all have people in our life that stress us out - we do not do anything to set them off if we can help it, why would we think our children would not do the same? One last thought, if your children see you attacking and always criticizing their other parent and they feel that stress, how likely are they going to bring you serious issues? If you flip out about a pony tail holder or grill them over what happens at the other house, do you think they will tell you when someone "touches them" or hurts them? Think about it! Before you start to get drawn into the game think about the cost, it is not worth it - your children know it, it is time you do too!
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