Every parent fears that they will “screw up” their children, but how do you know you are doing what is right? Every person is selfish and egocentric by nature, so how biased is your opinion when it comes to the “best interest” of the children? Idealistically we would all place our children’s needs far above our own, but we know that is not usually the case – take a look at the headlines in the paper, look through the schools or playgrounds, or just sit in a public place and watch; Society, parents included, is rapidly moving away from any type of traditional family it is frightening.
Sometimes we were not blessed with a “healthy” parenting model from our own childhood, a lot of life is learned through our family interactions – it is the basis for our norms. If we never saw vegetables served with a meal, only drank soda, or our meals were mainly from fast food, our basis for normal eating would be skewed to reflect our experience. The same is true if we were never hugged, never told that we were loved, or precious, if we were subjected to extreme physical “discipline”, or emotional abuse, our idea of a “family” would be skewed. We would like to think that as long as we tell our children what they should do or expose them to different ideals, but our actions show otherwise, that we are rearing a “well rounded child”. Honestly children learn far more than we realize, start observing things with greater perception than we give them credit for.
The famous words, “…well that way my mom/dad did it and I turned out fine…” make me cringe every time I hear them. How arrogant and closed minded, not saying that your parents were not right, to be resistant to learning anything new. Things have not changed in twenty or thirty years? Someone else might not have another way that might be equally as effective? The problem with the “it worked on me” logic is that you are assuming your child is just like you – feels like you, loves like you, and thinks like you! My daughters are bi-racial and my ex-wife has put a relaxer on my oldest daughter’s hair six times, she is six years old! Most black women would agree that she is too young, not to mention her hair is not that coarse – but my ex-wife refuses to listen to anyone, especially anything this I say, because after all I am a white male what could I possibly know! Her mom “permed her hair at that age” so there is no reason she cannot do my daughters. Again she is assuming that nothing has changed in twenty years and that my daughter is exactly like her. I have tried buying two sets of products for her hair, offering my ex-wife articles, taking my daughter to high end salons, braiding, etc, but each time it is met with extreme resistance and ultimately my daughter is caught in the middle. I try to do the best I can, but I cannot understand why people are so close minded when it comes to their children. The hair example is a mild degree and I am sure we can all thinks of other examples, but why limit our children to our own experiences and refuse knowledge?
When we refuse to learn or our children never hear the words “I don’t know” come out of our mouths, we are setting them up for disappointment. No one knows everything, but to a child a parent is a god. Why not help ease that expectations a bit, humble ourselves and show them it is ok not to know something and teach them how to find out. The other night my daughters, four and six, were arguing wether or not caterpillars have legs; I was ultimately included in the earth shattering debate to cast the deciding vote. I could have simply stated my opinion but I had no idea. We took the opportunity to use the internet and look up caterpillars; there were various pictures and charts for them to see. What started out as an intense argument quickly turned into a fun learning experience. I am not saying that I have all the answers, but I believe we need to be more aware of the example we set for our children.
We will probably, no we will, fail our children at certain times. How we deal with those moments are the key to “screwing up” our children. Hopefully my rant will generate some thinking and soul searching. Pride is a powerful thing, but it takes more effort to humble ourselves and to be true to ourselves and our children than it does to pretend to be all knowing. In the end our children are the ones who ultimately pay for our mistakes and the examples we set for them… if you cannot take the time for yourself, do it for your children.
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