I have taken a break from my writing... well not so much a break but I have withdrawn from most things over the past couple weeks. I am currently trying to prepare myself for several battles at once - the sad part is, none of it is in my control. I have pulled away from people and isolated myself to such a degree that I am staring at my old blanket - that comfortable, familiar, and dark mood that slowly eats us from the inside - depression.
I have a meeting with my ex-wife and her lawyer to try to agree on a child sharing plan for my children. This meeting has started me thinking and trying to be objective to the best interest of my children - but at the same time I am forced to replay all the lies and deceit that has gone on for more than two years now. Trying to take the "high road" or be "the bigger person", has led me to the verge of bankruptcy and allowed her to profit from this process. She is the one that wanted to leave the marriage, had the boyfriend, lives with him... Anyway, I am sure I am not alone in dealing with this. However, I turned my back on my reading - my books and the Bible, I stopped writing, and I found myself preferring to be alone or engage in superficial distractions than to actually push through this mess.
God tells us not to worry - He tells us that He will take care of us and provide us with what we need - and He also tells us that justice is His alone. Great! So what does that mean for me? I have tried to see things from a different point of view - but to be honest I can only step back so far before I get sucked back in. I have tried to move forward in many arenas, but seem to trip out of the gate. God never said our lives would be easy - so I had to ask myself why? Why is this happening? Why am I getting screwed? Why, Why, Why?
About then I got hit in the head with a brick - inside I knew that I was looking at this wrong. Instead of looking at what I do not have, I needed to look at what I do have. There was a point when my job could have changed - I could have gotten what Ithought was a good deal, but it fell through and I went somewhere else. Fast forward 7 months - I have a totally accommodating assignment that will give me the flexibility to properly care for my children and hopefully lead to me gaining full custody... the job I thought was good - it no longer exists and their future with the company is in doubt. There are several other areas where I have been taken care of and God is still guiding me - no leading me - through these turbulent waters, I just have to hold on and trust HE has it.
I guess the point of my rant is a period of self reflections and self realization. It is funny how we cry out for God when we are hurting and broken - sometimes we are not as broken as we would like to think we are... but when we are really in deep we grab the wheel as if to say, "Hold on God, let me show you where we need to go!" Eventually - and thankfully - most of the time we soon realize that we are going in circles or racing backward... then we need to humble ourselves, get back in the back seat and let God take the wheel. The hardest part about riding in the backseat is realizing there is not a wheel there - and there was not supposed to be one. God in his mercy forgives us for snatching the wheel from Him, but we need to submit our lives to His will and allow Him to navigate the dangers ahead. There will be trials and their will be issues but He will get us through.
I remember seeing bumper stickers when I was a kid - "God is my Co Pilot", everyone though they were clever and a great motto to keep. I think there are too many letters in that saying - God should be the Pilot - but our society and pride would never encourage complete obedience to God. We must remember we do not live in a Godly world, the justice system, the values, the complete basis of life here on earth has been tainted and distorted from what God intended. When things do not seem fair or right, we have to remember who determines what is fair - it is not for us to decide, even when we think we are right!
