First off, I would like to thank our host here at A Battered Warrior for allowing us to contribute to this conversation.
In the spirit of the blog's subtitle, Life lessons: you are not alone, I wanted to contribute a little commentary on a recent interview we conducted on our site.
I am the editor of www.dadsdivorce.com a site dealing with custody, alimony, finance and all other aspects of divorce that men must deal with.
In a recent DadsDivorce Live piece with Jon Benigas from Solutions Counseling Associates, Jon explained that sometimes the natural male approach to coping with divorce can be exactly the opposite of helpful for the present situation or for the man's own peace of mind.
According to Mr. Benigas, most men tend to go into the "fix it" mode. We are simply doing what comes naturally. We're only doing what feels right.
We tend to ask ourselves, "What can I do?"
Remember, the majority of divorces are filed by the woman. (You really are not alone!) The woman in these cases have had some time to think the act of filing for divorce through. The man who is being served is often surprised. He is caught off guard.
We have been trained to use our "power" which is very different than the way women use their "power." And, so the man will often try all the power options: guilt, blame and so on. Benigas explains that the feeling of having to deal with a situation that feels out of their control can be so devastating that we are thrown off balance.
Benigas and host, Joseph Cordell, discuss that the extremes of passivity and aggression in response to being handed divorce papers. Just as reacting in an overly-aggressive manner which may turn violent is wrong, so is reacting in an overly-passive manner. Both are discussed as being ineffective both immediately and later if the divorce does in fact progress.
One possible answer, both men agree, is to find a support system. A pastor, a friend, a group of men going through a similar situation.
Though it is difficult to manage, sometimes taking time away to discuss, meditate, reflect, pray and collect our thoughts as opposed to charging forward with an immediate response is usually the best response.
View the interview in its entirety.
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