Since going through my divorce I have been talking to several other single fathers and it is unfortunate the way the legal system seems to work. We all are very active in our children's lives, I am not saying that we were all blameless in our divorces - everyone has faults and it takes two to fight. Though I do know that in four of the cases the wives were having affairs and chose to leave the marriage. In all four cases the wives also went after spousal support - two actually started working less and living with their boyfriends and still wanted spousal support. The women were smart, the new boyfriend is not on the lease - so proving he lives there is difficult and you really would not want the children to have to choose sides or feel like they are telling on mommy... so the guys get forced to pay. OH I forgot to mention, when these "women" moved out, they left all the joint financial obligations behind as well.
All of the men I am talking about are in the military and were deployed in Iraq when their wife's misconduct began.... it was their welcome home present! The courts have this great formula in California, they believe that the incomes should be the same for each household... which idealistically MIGHT make sense - but they fail to consider the financial obligations of each party until the final divorce decree is established. In California that can take several months. There are three of the men that are at risk of losing everything before the property is settled and their soon to be ex-wives are in no hurry to be cooperative - why would they? I mean they have the benefit of their money, their ex-husbands money, living with a boyfriend, and none of the old bills! There is no justice in the system. If the father's limited their work hours to spend time with the children, they would be scorned - but it is ok for the women?
These men are on the verge of bankruptcy and if that happens they loose their careers. They have the mounting legal fees and their lawyers are losing patience with them too. They all hear the same thing I heard.... "just hold on until the end, it will all be taken care of and you will get credit for the bills you are paying. Oh by the way, we really need you to pay our fees!" These are the same lawyers that negotiated this lopsided deal telling the men it is the best they can do - all while ignoring that just because it works on their computer as "fair", when you ignore expenses and obligations it can make it tough to EAT!
I have put the "ChipIn" box on my blog to try to help these men tread water until the end. I plan to keep it open and try to help anyone struggling with their custody fight. These men love their kids and unfortunately their military service and deployments are being used against them. I understand that there may be women in a similar circumstance or there are families with "fathers" not holding up their commitments- please if you need help or know of someone, send me their story in a comment or email and I will try to help them as well. If you are blessed and can help please feel free to give. The $7500 is an initial goal - that is what I know is needed to help get their legal fees covered. (Oh some people assume that military have free legal - that is true, however they can not help you in a contested divorce or custody. That is why there are such high fees). Thank you and God bless. Hopefully these laws will change to be fair to everyone - ultimately it should be about the best for the kids. If you choose to leave your marriage - man or woman - that is your choice, you made an adult decision - act like it.
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