"I am sorry I called YOU those horrible names, but if YOU didn't...."
"If YOU don't like me yelling or calling you names, then maybe YOU ..."
How many times have we all heard people pass the blame on apologies? How many times have we done it to someone else? A true apology does not place the blame back on the person you offended. You can explain why you reacted that way, but not blame them for your inappropriate reaction. This leads to what I feel is an equivalent to emotional blackmail.
You offend or wronged someone so you blame them. Your goal is to make yourself feel a little better and make yourself look justified in your actions. Though you are pushing your faults and issues on someone else. I am having trouble finding the right words, so I will give an example from my past...
My Ex and I barely communicate, which is not good, but unfortunately it is where we are at. Anyway, she tries to manipulate me at every chance she gets and she uses my love for my children as her weapon of choice. For example, She wanted me to pay to have her car fixed, I offered to loan her the money, but I explained I needed her to repay me. She refused and the blackmail began... In front of my children she told me that, "If you gave a damn about these kids you would..." basically she wanted me to either pay for her car to be fixed or give her mine (mind you the divorce was working already and I was still paying 100% of all community debt. She had minimal financial commitments and paid nothing for the children.) She continued, "Obviously you do not care about them. You are selfish. Father of the year, you should be Father of the Year! You suck! You suck as a father, you just suck!" This was all done in front of my children in an effort to guilt me in to giving her money.
Besides the obvious issues with doing this in front of the children, she knew that attacking me as a father was the best way to get a reaction. Also that doing it in front of the girls would add pressure on me to show them that daddy does care. This in itself is emotional blackmail and manipulation. However she later "apologized," it went like this....
"I am sorry I said that, but if you were not so mean and selfish I would not have said those things. You really need to think of someone besides you. (Then the fake tears kick in) It is sad that we can not work together for the girls, I try but you just refuse... You are hurting them..." In her mind that was a sufficient apology and admitting her mistakes. Now is she totally to blame? NO!! I allowed her to manipulate me for years, it was easier to give in than fight. However, now she does not understand and sees me setting boundaries as being selfish and mean. You have to remember she is an extreme narcissist and everything revolves around self. I enabled it for too long, so I have myself to blame as well.
I guess the reason I am writing about this now is to encourage the enablers to take a step back and maybe a couple manipulators will reflect a bit. Throughout our lives we may find ourselves on either side of this scenario- hopefully we can reflect about it and start making the changes now. It is a hard habit pattern to break, but one me must face to allow ourselves to enter into a truly loving relationship.
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