As a child and most of my adult life I have been shy or reserved. I still grapple with the image of the super skinny kids with glasses, braces, and head gear. Couple those with the fact I was in the "gifted" classes and you can imagine my Erkel like persona - at least I viewed myself that way at times. It was no ones fault, but I never voiced my concerns or my skewed perception. This has caused me to watch the development of my children very closely.
I always allow my daughters to choose their outfit each morning. Granted sometimes they need a little help, individuality is great, but hot pink shorts, lime green top, and high heeled shoes are not a very appealing look. However, I make sure NEVER to insult their choices. I simply offer an alternative and talk it up, or let them pick what is most important - the shorts or the top and we go from their. I believe it helps give them a sense of control and pride in what they wear. I have heard parents attack a child's choice, "That is not very pretty... You might think it is cute, but you are a child and I know what is cute and you don't... You look a 'hot mess', you need to stop messing with your hair..." If another adult talked to you that way, you would be hurt and angry - or dismiss their opinion. When it is a parent of a small child the effects would be and are devastating.
A child naturally looks up and loves their parents unconditionally. It is a sacred bond that is instilled in us, to violate that bond in horrible. Children are delicate and will seek acceptance even if it means destroying themselves. If a mother criticizes her daughter with the dialog I shared, the daughter is going to wonder, "What is wrong with me? Why does mommy not like me? I am ugly and ...."
I do not claim to have all the answers or am I the perfect parent, I know I have flaws. Though one thing I have tried doing and my daughters have responded to, is to paint. I went and bought them little some water based paint and some poster board and canvas. Before I turned them loose, I told them this; "Girls, close your eyes and think about the picture you are going to paint. Can you see it? OK, open your eyes and now look at your canvas. Can you see your painting on it now? OK, one last thing. Can you paint wrong?" That question baffled them, one said yes and one said no. I pushed a little more... "The painting is in your head right? You made it, no one else did. So can you paint the canvas wrong?" Now they understood... both laughed and said NO. I told them that as long as you like it, that is all that matters. You created it and it is yours. If you like it then it is good - it does not matter what anyone else thinks.
They painted and we hung them on their walls... they are very proud of their artwork and we paint every couple weeks. I use the painting to help them in other areas. My oldest sometimes does not like her hair etc, she idolizes long blond hair, but her hair will never be that and we are dealing with that. This morning we had a bad hair day, so we started playing "beauty shop". I did my "hairdresser" voice and began making her hair silly and playing until she laughed and joined my game. Then as we put her hair in the pony tail and had it combed I asked her if it matters what anyone else thinks about her hair? Actually I taught her to answer true or false questions - another story.... what I told her was that God made her and he loves her - so she is piece of art and she is beautiful. I told her that if she likes the way it looks, then nothing else matters.
I guess what I am saying is this; As adults we need to be mindful of what we say and how we say it to children. They have the amazing ability to make things "their fault" and rob them of their innocence. We need to do everything in our power to enable them to have a healthy sense of self and embrace the way God made them.
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