FORGIVING

Here We Go Again!

Matthew 18:21-22  "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"  Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

 

    Peter thought he was being generous and offered to forgive seven times but Jesus told him seventy-seven times. In today's language it would be seventy times seven, this represented a countless number. Occasionally I find myself asking God how often I have to forgive and let go of my hurt feelings and anger - it is especially hard when it is the same person over and over again. My flesh screams, "It is not fair! There are rules and they need to be held accountable! How will things ever change if they are not made to answer for these transgressions? If we just keep letting them get away with it, they will only get worse."

    Today I was emotionally raw, so of course I get confronted with a "repeat offender." I felt my neck tense and my jaw tighten. It is so frustrating and unfair. They keep getting away with things and then they have the audacity to feel entitled and justified in their actions. They are acting so selfishly and without regard for anyone else... I have vented to others and I have found a sea of supporters, so I am right, right?  Wrong! 

     I was in the middle of my internal dialogue, telling myself how unfair things were and asking God, "How much more do I have to take?" when I knew God wanted to tell me something. The verse in Matthew came to mind and the parable that followed about the wicked servant. Then I began to see all my sins, just over the past couple days... My anger quickly faded. I was so ashamed and broken.

    When we stop to think about things in the terms of "fair," Christians always lose. Jesus paid for our sins - that is not fair. The Bible is clear about the cost of sin, but through Christ our debts are paid. Each time we sin we essentially are sending Jesus to the cross again. How "fair" is that?  Next time we feel the pride and anger building inside, instead of seeking justice and our own sense of fairness, let's ask ourselves a simple question - "How many times did Christ die for me today?"

Afraid of the Mirror?

Hebrews 10:24-25  "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching."

 

    I read this verse and started reflecting on my relationships with people... then I asked myself some hard questions...    

    Why do we hold on to people that bring us down? People that build themselves up at our expense? Most people gain something from a relationship, that is why we stay in them. Why do we hold on to those people that hurt us? If we carefully look at those people we associate with, what does it really say about us?

    Do we have a lot of friends that only know us on a superficial level? Do we allow people to be rude or judgemental because we secretly feel unworthy? What are we hiding from? ArMaybe we are really afraid of the mirror, a mirror that only reflects the truth of our character and not what we would like to see? Maybe that fear is what keeps us mired in superficial, shallow, and ultimately damaging relationships. If we keep people at a distance then we are justified in dismissing their opinions because they do not "really" know us. The problem is that eventually we lose track of who we really are as well, we are reduced to a bit role in our own twisted and superficial world. One day we may wake up to find ourselves lost in a sea of anxiety and lonliness wondering who we are and how we got here. We wake up isolated and defeated.

    We were never called to be alone, we were designed to have fellowship with God and each other. We grow when we have accountability with one another and have transparent relationships. Fear of rejection allows us to remain in our sin, it is the freedom gained through accountability that allows us to grow and to heal.

    Take some time to carefully examine your relationships. Spend some time in prayer. Ask God to show you if there are any relationships that are hindering your walk with him - seek His strength and guidance. We are not to shun the world, we are to bring God's love and His light to it.

Prayer of a Broken Man

 

                What am I supposed to do?  I feel like I have taken a giant step backwards in a matter of moments. How do you deal with impossible people? Tonight I was attacked on every side and I failed. I got sucked into the games, I allowed this to distract me and wear on me. I only want what is best for my daughters, why must everything be a battle.

                God what am I to do? I fear I am losing everything, I feel it slowly slipping and I am losing my focus. Draw me back to you. I am crushed and heartbroken, empty and torn, I am drifting. I feel so alone and helpless. I am trying to do what is right. I pray and ask for your strength and love – I ask that you help me forgive and treat them out of love; God how do you love those that hate everything about you. Those that are so irrational and deceitful – how do you love us?

                God I cannot do anything without you. I do not have the strength in me to even calm myself so I can sleep. My future is so uncertain – it is scary and seemingly ready to destroy me at a moment’s notice. All I value and hold dear are hanging by a single thread and it is fraying. Why bring me this far to crush me? I know you are good and your ways are always the best and just – God help me to see past my current struggle, my current trial, help me to focus on the victory. Forgive my fears - my fears show my lack of faith. You are the creator of all things; I know you can carry me through this. God because I know I cannot. I am empty and broken.

                For years I have tried to figure out my path. Tonight I am broken. I am beaten down and I feel totally alone and misunderstood. I feel like I am alone against the world and there is no encouragement, no justice, no support, and no hope. Renew my spirit oh God. Take me in your wings and protect me. Mend my broken spirit and cleanse me of my sins. God I have been sifted, if I must endure more I ask for your strength to endure. I do not know your ways, I do not know your reasons, but I do know you are God and you are good. I will trust in you. “Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.” (Psalm 20:7)

                You know the desires of my heart and you know my path. You know the purpose for which I was created. I have spent enough of my life trying to do things my way – whenever I failed to do it 100% your way, I failed to submit to you. Forgive me. My life, my daughters, and our future are in your hands. I do not know how Abraham felt; I can only imagine when you told him to sacrifice Isaac the conflict he must have had in his heart. God you know the tremendous faith he showed taking him up that hill, God strengthen me… I am walking up my hill and I have to trust that you will provide for me just as you did Abraham.

Forgive me for viewing them as my daughters – they are yours. I praise you for loaning them to me and allowing me to be in their lives.  May I never taint their perception of you, you have allowed me to share the title of father – but I know that I am only a sinful man. God may they see your light in me, may I model your behaviors and encourage them on their walk. If there is anything in me that can hinder them I ask you to remove it. I have played enough games in my life, wasted enough time, squandered enough gifts and talents… I am sorry.

God forgive me. I am nothing without you. You can do all things and you do not need me for any of them. It is only by your grace that we are invited into a relationship with you, that you allow us to know you, and that you gave us your Son so we may be reunited with you for eternity. God how selfish am I? I cannot fathom losing my daughters for a day. How much did it take to allow your blameless and perfect son to suffer, be tortured and murdered by the very people he was sent to save? I cannot understand that kind of love – I can only stand in awe and be thankful for your mercy. 

God I am heartbroken – not only for my current trials and situation, but the reality that each time I sin I am the reason Jesus died. That your law is clear, you tell us repeatedly that the price of sin is death… how often do we try to white wash our sins? We are making a mockery of your son’s sacrifice. I am so sorry. We take your mercy and grace so lightly – we have allowed ourselves to become accustomed to saying a quick little prayer and moving on.  We have allowed our concept of a “relationship” with you as a quick bath – “Ask God to forgive me and I am good. Go to church on Sunday to start the week off with a clean slate.” What happens if we die on Wednesday? Or how about Saturday night? Your son was beaten, broken, and died a horrifying and brutal death all for me. How can we forget that? How have I failed to understand that I cause the need for that sacrifice on dozens of occasions DAILY? Maybe we are just so sinful that we cannot distinguish our own level of sin.

God I have prayed for you to teach me to love like you – to give me the love you speak of in the Bible…. I thank you for the works you have begun in me. I find comfort in, “Be confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil 1:6). I did not know exactly what my prayers entailed, but I will not change it. I know that these trials and sifting are all part of your purpose for me and you are changing my heart and I thank you. I will praise you in the suffering because I know you have a purpose and that if it were not necessary you would not subject me to it. You are good.

I forgive my anger tonight, my actions, my thoughts, my pride, arrogance, and the haste at which I went to them. Instead of turning straight to you as the pressure mounted I tried to “make sense” of the situation. I tried to grab the wheel. Forgive me. Cover me in your love, your joy, and your peace. May I keep my eyes on you and submit to your guidance and will – may I hear you clearly as the noise of the world rages around me. May I know your voice so distinctly that I can focus solely on you during those times.

God you are so good to me. You have blessed me beyond anything I could ever deserve. I thank you for your faithfulness and goodness. God I ask that those that oppose me in various areas of my life, that you show them your love and may they know you. May they see you in me, may I not allow my flesh to taint your image and may my interactions with them be consistent to your character. God I am so sorry… Thank you for your son and the gift you gave me.

-Amen

A Prayer For A Season

 

God, you alone created the heavens and the earth, yet still you know me. You in all your glory and splendor care for me. It is only by your grace and mercy that I still breathe, yet I continue to ignore your ways.  You know my fears and my worries, so you offer me comfort and strength. Even when I reject and ignore you, you still love me.

I am a raging battle, I know your truth and your laws yet I still reject them. I have seen your goodness and all that you do, but I still embrace the world. You know the desires of my heart and where I want to be, why is my flesh so weak? I cry out in pain to you, but I know that I must endure the suffering in order for you to strengthen me. I must die to my selfish ways and submit to your will. Forgive me when I am weak for I know that you are the Lord of all creation, a gracious and loving God, your ways are what is truly best for me... forgive me when I am weak.

God I ask that you teach me to love as you love, to allow me to draw closer to you, and to serve you - you know the desires of my heart. As your light increases in me, remove the things not of you or that separate me from you... and when I cry out in suffering, remind me that you are with me. After this season passes may I look back and see where you and you alone got my through it - may I share it with others and may you use it to your glory and your purposes.

-Amen

A Prayer of Thanks...

Romans 7:15  "I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate."

God,

Thank you for your goodness - your patience and your mercy. Your word is so good! It is comforting even when it is correcting my failures. You ALWAYS give me hope - It makes me look at this in a different way -  "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).... You LOVE ME.

I am sorry for my daily failures and I am so thankful that you forgive me. I am overjoyed you did not give up on me and that you continue love me. Thank you. Help me to see and turn from sin. Make me an example to my children and others... May no one ever be shocked to know that I am a Christian - may they see you in me. Thank you for always loving me, even when I did not know you.

 

- Amen

A Prayer of Thanks...

Romans 7:15  "I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate."

God,

Thank you for your goodness - your patience and your mercy. Your word is so good! It is comforting even when it is correcting my failures. You ALWAYS give me hope - It makes me look at this in a different way -  "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).... You LOVE ME.

I am sorry for my daily failures and I am so thankful that you forgive me. I am overjoyed you did not give up on me and that you continue love me. Thank you. Help me to see and turn from sin. Make me an example to my children and others... May no one ever be shocked to know that I am a Christian - may they see you in me. Thank you for always loving me, even when I did not know you.

 

- Amen

Dying to Self...

Romans 6:6-7  "We know that our sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin."

God,

You know my heart and my sins. You know my weaknesses and my temptations - strengthen me so that I may no longer give sin the foothold it desires in my life. Remove the existing ones in my life and fill them with you - your holiness and your strength. I do not want to be the person I was... Help me to realize and become the man you made me to be.

- Amen

A Note To A Father...

 

Father,

    Before I knew you, you knew me and held me close. Before I could recognize your voice, you were there to sooth me during anxious times. When I was innocent, helpless, and lost you were always there to guide me. You were there to encourage me as I began to crawl and walk – tended to my scrapes caused by my many failures… but you never failed to support me. As I took my first steps, I received my confidence by clinging to your finger.

    When I was younger I would cry – frustrated, hurt, hungry, or mad – I did not need to justify my tears but you were always there to help me. You offered a hug when I hurt, encouragement when I was frustrated, and when the tears stopped we would always try to learn from the experience.  Along the way we have been through many trials, but you have always been there. Riding a bike, catching a ball – you helped get me through them all.

    During my awkward teenage years, you were there to help me cope with rejection and my first broken heart. You told me I was special no matter what anyone said – I believed it, even though I knew it was what a father was “supposed to say.” When I would start to venture out and felt the world staring in judgment of me, ready to pounce and crush my childish dreams – I would look and see your face, the sparkle in your eye and somehow I would find the courage to try. Soon I started to drive and venture farther away, I did not see you as often but I never heard you complain. I know now how hard that must have been to let go… but you knew I needed space to make way.

    There was a time when I barely spoke – forgot our lessons and our chat, though not really forgotten – just ignored. I found myself broken and battered, but I still continued on. In my heart I knew you were there, but I never reached out to call. I was stubborn and determined to make it on my own, be my own man – strong and independent. Looking back now I missed so much. I was a fool and I am embarrassed by myself and that I turned my back on what I knew was right and true.

    I am a father now, though I prefer the term daddy. I catch myself sitting and thinking of the awesome responsibility that I have. Two little girls in my care, they learn from me both good and bad… I am worthy of the title of “father”? As they grow they will internally use me as a starting point to judge all fathers – even you... That thought scares me. I am I worthy to be called a “father”? A true father is fair and just – but always compassionate and loving, even in discipline. I guess I know what I must do…

    -Father I am sorry… I am sorry for all the times I turned away from you. When I chose to follow my own path and was too stubborn and proud to cry out to you. I was too ashamed of myself and proud to be humble – even though I knew it was right. I have wasted so much time; so many opportunities have been missed. I shudder to think about where I would be had I not taken my own, self serving path. I know that you are an amazing and forgiving God. I know you will and have forgiven me… you have plans for me and my life – I am so sorry. I ask that you use me and that you make me a worthy and healthy example of an earthly “father”. That my daughters see a strong and loving man – one that is humble and compassionate… one worthy to be called a father (though they call me daddy). God you are my father – but times I need to think of you as a daddy too. It helps remind me that I am but a child and I need to keep my child like faith and rely on you for strength and wisdom. God I am so sorry… but I am glad to call you my daddy and honor you on father’s day.

    -Amen

 

 

A Lesson From Cain...

Genesis 4:6-7  "Then the Lord said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."

 

 

Cain was angry with his brother and killed him. He was jealous because his brother's offering was  pleasing to God and Cain's offering was not received favorably. Cain felt slighted. However, Cain was solely to blame, the issue was with his heart but he still focused his anger upon Abel.

I have been involved in some ongoing drama, it seems like no matter what I do this person is determined to "push my buttons." Tonight I got really upset - though I have learned to control my emotions, to a point. I do not confront them, yell, or anything like that, I have learned that it does not help and that I have a lot less regrets if I can keep my composure. Though I do tend to take it straight to God and ask "Why?" Rarely do I get an answer I want. Normally, I spout off for a bit and bring up all the past and try to take God to task on this situation - (that is not very successful either).

At the end of my ty-raid I always come back to a few thoughts: 1) God wants me to continue to heal and forgive, to rid myself of the anger and experience His true joy. 2) God is in control. He is much more powerful than I am and wiser - I need to trust Him that this will all work out as long as I keep myself aligned with Him and obey. 3) Each time I handle this issue according to His will, it gets better. Even thought it might not seem like it at that instance, I have learned how to deal with them better each time I turn to God instead of allowing my anger to master me.

In the end what started out as an issue that I wanted God to fix and I wanted God to "make it right," came back to being an issue with my heart. God will deal with the other person, but that is between them and God... God wants to know how we are going to allow Him to fix us!

Stan The Man: Part 3

 

It took me a long time to reach this point... to be able to look at myself and objectively look at my behavior and actions, to judge myself. How did I measure up? I was left wanting - lacking in so many areas and a complete failure in many more. I had believed the lie that I was a "good person" that "God understands me" and "I am ok." I had to hit rock bottom, a few times - and I still struggle.

One night I actually saw myself... during my indiscretions I was able to see what I was doing - not physically but on a different level. I wanted to scream out stop, but I couldn't. I let the activities continue and the images are still haunting. Even though I was with another person, I felt my soul being eaten... the light that each one of us has was being extinguished. The gravity of my situation was screaming at me... I wanted to cry - I was disgusted by myself.

My vice was not alcohol or drugs, but it was the carnal lust that can consume us. On the outside it appeared I was in control - that I had it all together, but I was crumbling on the inside. I knew what I was doing was wrong - but I could not stop. I knew it, I was disgusted by my actions, but I could not stop. I told myself that I wanted to stop and I wanted to get help - but how could I tell anyone about the "real" Stan? The Stan that was successful, always in control, and all together was a fake. I could not be alone EVER. I knew that if I was alone or had any idle time, I would be on the prowl... looking for someone to occupy my time - in reality in stead of being the hunter, I was the hunted. Each conquest took a part of me with it - I lost my self respect, self worth, and distanced myself from God.

I tried praying and reading - but something was missing. One night I asked God to take it from me... that was the night before I saw myself. In a moment of weakness I gave in... it was during that encounter that I saw myself and my heart broke. Did I screw up - yes. But I think that God used that failure to show me the reality of what I was doing. In a way he honored my prayers - maybe not in the way most of us would like... but through that experience he showed me what I was doing to myself. I think the pain and sorrow that filled me at that moment was a small portion of what God must have felt each time I turned from Him. He allowed me to see a glimpse of myself - a person I never want to see again.

Each day I struggle and each day I pray. I pray not to be "Stan the Man," I ask to be the man God made me to be. Who is that? I do not know, but I am excited to find out and I trust God will show me. My name is Stan and I am a sinner, but God loves me anyway. He strengthens me to turn away from who the world wants me to be and enables me to become the person he created me to be. God has had a plan for my life since day one, I am just glad He never gave up on me...