A Battered Warrior

When People Rise Against You....

 





Psalm 140

Rescue me, O Lord, from evil men;

protect me from men of violence,

who devise evil plans in their hearts

and stir up war every day.

They make their tongues as sharp

as a serpent’s;

the poison of vipers is on their lips.

Keep me, O Lord, from the hands

of the wicked;

protect me from men of violence

who plan to trip my feet.

Proud me have hidden a snare for me;

they have spread out the cords

of their net

and have set traps for me

along my path.

O Lord, I say to you, “You are my God.”

Hear, O Lord, my cry for mercy.

O sovereign Lord, my strong deliverer,

Who shields my head in the day

of battle-

Do not grant the wicked their desires,

O Lord;

do not let their plans succeed,

or they will become proud.

Let the heads of those who surround me

be covered with the trouble their

lips have caused.

Let burning coals fall upon them;

May they be thrown into the fire,

into miry pits, never to rise.

Let slanderers not be established

in the land;

may disaster hunt down men

of violence.

I know that the Lord secures justice

for the poor

and upholds the cause of the needy.

Surely the righteous will

praise your name

              and the upright will live before you.

 

When it feels like the world is against you, take the time to focus on God. When we cry out to Him, He listens. Stand firm in your faith and know God is in control and He has a plan. His plans may not always be comfortable or exactly what we would like, but His plans are perfect as is His timing. As God for His peace during your trials and lay your problems at His feet. Find comfort in His promises and His word; do not forget to pray. Pray with others, pray in many ways and in all occasions, just pray and accept His peace and place your faith in Him.

When People Rise Against You....

 





Psalm 140

Rescue me, O Lord, from evil men;

protect me from men of violence,

who devise evil plans in their hearts

and stir up war every day.

They make their tongues as sharp

as a serpent’s;

the poison of vipers is on their lips.

Keep me, O Lord, from the hands

of the wicked;

protect me from men of violence

who plan to trip my feet.

Proud me have hidden a snare for me;

they have spread out the cords

of their net

and have set traps for me

along my path.

O Lord, I say to you, “You are my God.”

Hear, O Lord, my cry for mercy.

O sovereign Lord, my strong deliverer,

Who shields my head in the day

of battle-

Do not grant the wicked their desires,

O Lord;

do not let their plans succeed,

or they will become proud.

Let the heads of those who surround me

be covered with the trouble their

lips have caused.

Let burning coals fall upon them;

May they be thrown into the fire,

into miry pits, never to rise.

Let slanderers not be established

in the land;

may disaster hunt down men

of violence.

I know that the Lord secures justice

for the poor

and upholds the cause of the needy.

Surely the righteous will

praise your name

              and the upright will live before you.

When it feels like the world is against you, take the time to focus on God. When we cry out to Him, He listens. Stand firm in your faith and know God is in control and He has a plan. His plans may not always be comfortable or exactly what we would like, but His plans are perfect as is His timing. As God for His peace during your trials and lay your problems at His feet. Find comfort in His promises and His word; do not forget to pray. Pray with others, pray in many ways and in all occasions, just pray and accept His peace and place your faith in Him.

What Would Jehoshaphat Do?

2 Chronicles 20:12 “O our God, will you not judge them? For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you.”

Jehoshaphat was on the verge of battle. Three countries were uniting to come destroy his people and take his kingdom. Upon hearing the news Jehoshaphat had two choices, focus on the enemy or focus on God. He chose to focus on God and he was delivered without even having to fight. The attacking countries turned on each other and killed themselves.

Miles McPherson said it this way, “How you respond to ‘drama’ or a crisis shows what information you focus on.” Jehoshaphat could have focused on the threat of the enemy, the fear of losing his kingdom and his life, or even focused inward and committed himself to trying to save his own neck; instead he chose to worship God and trust in Go’s promises.

When things seem to be piling up do you focus on the drama or do you seek God’s face? Do you crumble under the pressure and try to “figure things out” or do you praise God because you have faith in His plan?

At times it is hard to trust in God’s plan, in Isaiah we are taught that “’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9). We must have faith. Our response to our trials and circumstances reveals a great deal about our faith; sometimes we are placed in situations to stretch our faith.

When the pressure mounts and you don’t know what to do, rejoice because you are not always supposed to understand at that moment! It is at those times we turn to God, seek His guidance and His face. God is faithful. God will guide you and bring you through your trials. There is no question, His timing and His ways are perfect. The only question is simple, Do you trust Him?

But I am SO ANGRY

James 1:19-25  "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has learned, but doing it - he will be blessed in what he does."

     After a few quick searches, the health risks or conditions associated with inproperly managed anger is staggering: Headaches, digestion issues, insomnia, anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, eczema, heart attacks, stroke, and even cancer. The problem is that anger was intended to trigger our "fight or flight" reaction, therefore the body starts producing the chemicals the body needs to react. While these chemicals are necessary in certain instances, they are not meant to be constantly present.

    So what is James saying to us? We are to be slow to anger and our anger does not serve God's purpose. We are to submit to God's law and study it, not just acknowledge it, but to apply it. If we look closely at Jesus' instructions, we are not to hold on to unforgiveness, we are to forgive as we have been forgiven and so that we can be forgiven (Mark 11:25).

    In order to forgive we must let go of our anger, we must lay it at His feet. Take a few minutes to search your heart, ask God to reveal any unresolved anger you have and let it go. Do not let unresolved anger steal your joy and peace - it will not only deteriorate your physical self, it can keep you from experiencing all of God's mercy, grace, and forgiveness.

Are You Settling?

Proverbs 27:7  "He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet."

                                

    Have you ever wondered why people settle for less than they deserve? Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "They could do so much better"? People are not made to be complete on their own, they need more. We are all designed to worship something - some choose money, their careers, their bodies, other people, etc. We were not created to worship any of these things and when we do we are left spiritually hungry.

    When we fail to acknowledge our design and recognize our Creator we are without purpose and meaning. After spending a few minutes watching the news or scanning the evening television line up, one can not deny society is becoming morally bankrupt. It is a fact that our society, America's, has shifted away from Christian values and with this shift our level of "tolerance" has increased. As we become more tolerant the lines of right and wrong are blurred and we are left with a grey world.

    Our world is hungry and starving but we are choosing to feast on the bitter fruits of the world instead of partaking in the food that will nourish our souls.

.... Fear Itself

Psalm 27:1-2  “The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid? “

 

                Today God used my daughter to teach me a valuable lesson. We were on the second floor of a building; there was an overlook near where I was standing in line. My daughter suddenly developed a fear of heights – the same little girl that rides roller coasters was suddenly afraid to stand near me. She backed up against the wall on the opposite side of the hall and refused to come to me. I because extremely frustrated and I tried to explain why her fear was irrational. I failed. She stayed put. I was frustrated because I wanted to talk to her, but could not do so if she stayed that far from me. Eventually we were able to move on in line and we all walked together, but for a while she refused to move.

                During worship God broke my heart. I thought about how many times I have let my fears keep me from coming to God. God is calling us to join Him in His work and to have a relationship with Him – our fear, or lack of faith robs us of these experiences. Today God taught me a lesson about my walk with Him by letting me see my daughter’s fear. Why did I get so frustrated with her? I took her fear as rejection, that she did not trust me to keep her safe. Even though I know she trusts me, in this incident to her it was safer to stay there because of something might happen.

                How must God feel? We have the creator of the universe calling us to come near Him and we freeze. We come up with excuses to ignore our callings and they are all because of a lack of faith. We have God calling us and we are afraid of what might happen…

                My daughter and I talked about my frustrations and her feelings… I told her that I just wanted to talk to her and the she knew I would never let anything happen to her – she said “I was just scared.” We ended our talk with pinkie promises – the most special promises between a father and child – I promised to try to understand and I renewed my promise to always take care of her, she promised to try.  Later I had a similar conversation with God…

 

How Deep Do You Want to Look?

Proverbs 25:28 "Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control."

 

    A city's walls are its source of protection and strength. The walls were not only a good defense but they were also a strong deterrent to any attackers as well. It is much easier to destroy or conquer a city without walls than a city that is well fortified.

    Is it simply enough to "know" God's word, His laws, and His ways? No! Granted we are saved by God's grace and He enbles us to repent for our sins - lately I have heard so many people claim that "God knows me, He made me and He understands. Besides He knows I am trying and He forgives me." Take a few minutes and think about that statement. Think about the society we live in and the attitudes society celebrates.

    Yes, God does forgive. Though he also says"...love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." (Matthew 22:37) and "Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me..." (John 14:21). 

    Obeying all starts with self-control... This simple little proverb should be a warning to most of our society and the attitude of "if it makes me happy..." or "I have to do what is right for me, I know the rules but..." Are your walls broken or crumbling? - Guess that depends on how deep you want to look.
    

 

A Matter of Perspective....

Proverbs 16:2  "All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord"

    How often do we catch ourselves justifying things we know are wrong? Look at the simple things, speeding on the freeways, texting while driving, and even lying. We speed because it is safer, "Everyone else is doing 75, so if I only drive 65 I will be holding up traffic and they will run me over." Texting - "I am a good driver and I know my phone, so I do not even have to look down. It is not a big deal, besides what a dumb law."  Lying - "I only did it to protect your feelings, if I told you the truth it would have made things worse." We are told to speak the truth in love - would the truth really hurt the person if we tell them out of love, or is it just easier to lie and avoid an uncomfortable situation?

    We justify our actions constantly and we use the world around us to prove we are right. The fatal flaw is that this is a fallen and corrupt world, the world is not just. It is even more dangerous when we try to play this game with God. "I know that the Bible says it is wrong, but God made me and He knows where I am at." Maybe a better way to approach things is with a humble and broken heart.

    The second we have to start justifying things, why should just admit we are wrong and ask for forgiveness.

Who Made Whom?

 

Genesis 1:27   "God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him..."

 

     
            “God created man in His image, unfortunately we returned the favor.” I heard this quote a couple weeks ago at church, it is unfortunately too true. We tend to limit God based on our own capabilities, understanding, perceptions, and perspective of time and the world in general.

            Since God created us, we have limits – therefore it is impossible for us to comprehend someone that is limitless, someone that is not bound by our limitations, and someone that can defy our own logic. We reside in a fallen world, things are not as they were intended to be, since we only know a fallen world we are forced to see things through fallen eyes.

Think about a pair of cheap sunglasses covered in scratches, smudges, and ill fitting. Everything you see is distorted, nothing as crisp or sharp as it is intended to be seen. If you had never known that there was something better or a way to clean the film off the lenses, you would be come content with this view. More damaging you would begin to explain your world by these inaccurate visions; after all you have never seen things any differently.

The message of the Gospel is a message of Hope. We have the opportunity to have a personal relationship with the creator of the universe – the giver of life; a God with limitless power and more importantly limitless love. People tend to develop their own ideal of God and what He can or can not do, what He will or will not do, and even define his character according to our twisted perceptions of justice and “fair”.

Take sometime this week to really read the Bible both Old and New Testament and see what you can learn about God’s true nature, His character, and His power. Compare your perceptions and feelings about God to the Biblical truths you learn… dare to let God out of the box and let Him reveal Himself to you in a new and powerful way.

 

A Matter of Perspective...

Hebrews 4:12 "For the word of God is living an active. Sharper than any double -edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing the soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

 

When we hear the word story, we tend to think of something make believe - a happily-ever-after fairy tale of some sort. We tell children bedtime stories and people sit around the camp fire and tell ghost stories. The word story seems to have some sort of fantasy element to them, even if they pass on a moral lesson.

Today as I was reading my Bible, I started thinking about how we view the contents of the Bible. We refer to most things as "Bible stories." I understand the limits of our language and the way we have been conditioned to refer to things... but have our personal biases dulled our senses to certain messages from the Bible?

Yes, Sunday school has a purpose and we need to teach our children but at some point we need to make sure we understand that those "stories" are significant events. It is very easy to allow ourselves to continue viewing the Bible as a collection of stories - if we do we are limiting the Bible to being simply a book. Unfortunately many people that claim to be a Christian never get past the Sunday school level and most never read the Bible for themselves. When we allow others to tell us what things say and what they mean - never taking the initiative to read and learn for ourselves, never becoming educated enough to ask questions, we risk becoming a group of deceived people. History is full of mindless masses simply following a pied piper to slaughter...

Challenge yourself to pray and to read your Bible daily. Dare to see what it really says. You just might learn something. Just because someone claims something is in the Bible does not make them right - if you never learn what it actually says and in what context it was said, you are standing on shaky ground. Adam and Eve were deceived by someone misquoting God, taking a little creative license and well we know what happened.

Emotional?

Psalm 4:4-5   "In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Offer right sacrifices and trust in the Lord." 

 

    We all tend to have restless nights, lying in bed worrying about things we can not control or replaying that last arguement to figure out the perfect clever comeback.  How many times do we let our emotions, particularly anger, cause us to sin? If we do not keep or feelings in perspective, a Biblical perspective, we put ourselves at risk for all kinds of sin - lust, envy, pride...  

    How would you answer the following question, "If you were standing before God, could you describe your relationship with Him by saying, 'I love You with all my heart and all my soul and all my mind and all my strength?'"  - before you answer look at this verse - John 14:21 "Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."

   Maybe we need to reflect a bit... I would love to answer that question with a loud "Yes," but when I consider my actions my answer has to change. I can answer that question with, "I want to say Yes but I realize I am a work in progress and will grow each day."  As Christians we know that we still fall short, it is how we allow God to change our hearts that is key. When God convicts us of sin in our lives, how we react reveals the condition of our hearts and that reaction is ultimately what supports our answer to the question. 

   Take some time to think about that answer....

Robbing Your Comfort?

Genesis 12:1  "The Lord said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you."

 

    Have you ever felt that God was telling you something? Maybe giving you a warning or comfort? I have felt God's encouragement and comfort from time to time - though I realized a couple things. I have a great potential to rob the comfort of the message.

    At various times I have been struggling in certain areas or needed God's comfort and direction in my life - standing at a crossroads and asking God which way to go. One time I felt God was asking me if I trusted Him - of course I said "yes."   What he told me next should have been a HUGE comfort, He said, "The situations your are facing, your worries, everything about your life is in my hands and I will take care of you." What a blessing. Instead of accepting the comfort, I started to question Him. "Ok God. So now what do I do? Am I going to go here or there? When do I need to go? How are you going to do this? Come on, I need to know so I can plan."

    That is when it hit me - I took a step back and listened to myself... "I need to know so I can plan." What a prideful statement. God just told me that he has everything and he will take care of me - but I feel the need to still plan. I reduced God from being in charge to being an adviser. Quickly what should have been a moment of comfort turned into a moment of anxiety and stress. I allowed my comfort to be taken from me by my pride and lack of faith. Maybe that is why God often chooses to wake me to tell me things - that way I do not have the chance to interrupt and question him before he tells me...

    Maybe we should take a lesson from the Abram, and just Go. Abram had to start his journey without knowing where he was going or how long it would take, he had to go on faith. What would you do if God told you to just get in your car and Go, do not take anything, just Go. When we continually question or doubt, wanting to know details can be contributed to doubt and lack of faith, we miss part of the experience God intended for us. We do not grow as much in our faith as God may have intended, we miss out on experiencing something new, etc.

    My prayer is that in the future I embrace the comfort and the blessing that God is giving me and accept it; That my pride not rob me of the comfort and peace that is intended to soothe me; That I be able to obediently and instantly respond to His calling and instruction.  It will take work, but that is my prayer.

What A Mess...

Proverbs 19:3  " A man's own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the Lord."

 

                             

 

    How easy is it to blame God? Why is God letting me suffer?  Where is God in all this pain? God, what did I do to deserve this?  How can a loving God allow this to happen?

    We love to blame God, it is the oldest trick in the book... if we are not happy, getting our own way, or things are not like we want them, then it is God's fault. "He knows what we want and besides we are "good people," it is not like we killed anyone right?"

    We love to justify ourselves and validate that there is always someone that is a bigger sinner than we are - isn't that so comforting, "We are all sinners but look at what Bill did, at least I am not THAT bad!" The Bible is very clear about sin, sin is sin. Jesus actually said that the lustful or angry thought was a sin - it is all about your heart.

    We love to exercise our free will, free to choose our own path and pursue our own happiness. The blame game begins once we start to see the consequences of our actions. Once we feel shame, guilt, or are held accountable for our decisions, that is when we want God to come rescue us. We ignore God until we need bailed out, then we quickly cry out for Him to fix our mess.  God does forgive us, but His forgiveness does not eliminate the consequences of our actions. He will get us through them and as long as we allow Him to change our hearts, He will guide us so we do not have to repeat the same lesson - as long as we listen.

    This Proverb lept off the page this morning because of certain struggles I have been dealing with, here is an exerpt from my prayer journal...

                ... I am standing here at the edge of a cliff, looking over my life from a distance (or at least how it appears to be in my limited view and perspective).  What a mess!  I see the hot stove and still insist on touching it - The countless scars and blisters have taught me nothing. In my head I know this path is full of pain, regret, remoarse, and emptiness, yet I can not stop. Am I really that stiff-necked? So resistant to change? Am I really that foolish? My pride says no, but my actions scream Yes!!

    We all struggle with our free will and submission... We have to allow God to change our hearts, change us from the inside and embrace His ways - God is love and He loves perfectly at all times, so His ways are best - we just have to let Him have control.

Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

Prayer of a Broken Man...

 

                What am I supposed to do?  I feel like I have taken a giant step backwards in a matter of moments. How do you deal with impossible people? Tonight I was attacked on every side and I failed. I got sucked into the games, I allowed this to distract me and wear on me. I only want what is best for my daughters, why must everything be a battle.

                God what am I to do? I fear I am losing everything, I feel it slowly slipping and I am losing my focus. Draw me back to you. I am crushed and heartbroken, empty and torn, I am drifting. I feel so alone and helpless. I am trying to do what is right. I pray and ask for your strength and love – I ask that you help me forgive and treat them out of love; God how do you love those that hate everything about you. Those that are so irrational and deceitful – how do you love us?

                God I cannot do anything without you. I do not have the strength in me to even calm myself so I can sleep. My future is so uncertain – it is scary and seemingly ready to destroy me at a moment’s notice. All I value and hold dear are hanging by a single thread and it is fraying. Why bring me this far to crush me? I know you are good and your ways are always the best and just – God help me to see past my current struggle, my current trial, help me to focus on the victory. Forgive my fears - my fears show my lack of faith. You are the creator of all things; I know you can carry me through this. God because I know I cannot. I am empty and broken.

                For years I have tried to figure out my path. Tonight I am broken. I am beaten down and I feel totally alone and misunderstood. I feel like I am alone against the world and there is no encouragement, no justice, no support, and no hope. Renew my spirit oh God. Take me in your wings and protect me. Mend my broken spirit and cleanse me of my sins. God I have been sifted, if I must endure more I ask for your strength to endure. I do not know your ways, I do not know your reasons, but I do know you are God and you are good. I will trust in you. “Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.” (Psalm 20:7)

                You know the desires of my heart and you know my path. You know the purpose for which I was created. I have spent enough of my life trying to do things my way – whenever I failed to do it 100% your way, I failed to submit to you. Forgive me. My life, my daughters, and our future are in your hands. I do not know how Abraham felt; I can only imagine when you told him to sacrifice Isaac the conflict he must have had in his heart. God you know the tremendous faith he showed taking him up that hill, God strengthen me… I am walking up my hill and I have to trust that you will provide for me just as you did Abraham.

Forgive me for viewing them as my daughters – they are yours. I praise you for loaning them to me and allowing me to be in their lives.  May I never taint their perception of you, you have allowed me to share the title of father – but I know that I am only a sinful man. God may they see your light in me, may I model your behaviors and encourage them on their walk. If there is anything in me that can hinder them I ask you to remove it. I have played enough games in my life, wasted enough time, squandered enough gifts and talents… I am sorry.

God forgive me. I am nothing without you. You can do all things and you do not need me for any of them. It is only by your grace that we are invited into a relationship with you, that you allow us to know you, and that you gave us your Son so we may be reunited with you for eternity. God how selfish am I? I cannot fathom losing my daughters for a day. How much did it take to allow your blameless and perfect son to suffer, be tortured and murdered by the very people he was sent to save? I cannot understand that kind of love – I can only stand in awe and be thankful for your mercy. 

God I am heartbroken – not only for my current trials and situation, but the reality that each time I sin I am the reason Jesus died. That your law is clear, you tell us repeatedly that the price of sin is death… how often do we try to white wash our sins? We are making a mockery of your son’s sacrifice. I am so sorry. We take your mercy and grace so lightly – we have allowed ourselves to become accustomed to saying a quick little prayer and moving on.  We have allowed our concept of a “relationship” with you as a quick bath – “Ask God to forgive me and I am good. Go to church on Sunday to start the week off with a clean slate.” What happens if we die on Wednesday? Or how about Saturday night? Your son was beaten, broken, and died a horrifying and brutal death all for me. How can we forget that? How have I failed to understand that I cause the need for that sacrifice on dozens of occasions DAILY? Maybe we are just so sinful that we cannot distinguish our own level of sin.

God I have prayed for you to teach me to love like you – to give me the love you speak of in the Bible…. I thank you for the works you have begun in me. I find comfort in, “Be confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil 1:6). I did not know exactly what my prayers entailed, but I will not change it. I know that these trials and sifting are all part of your purpose for me and you are changing my heart and I thank you. I will praise you in the suffering because I know you have a purpose and that if it were not necessary you would not subject me to it. You are good.

I forgive my anger tonight, my actions, my thoughts, my pride, arrogance, and the haste at which I went to them. Instead of turning straight to you as the pressure mounted I tried to “make sense” of the situation. I tried to grab the wheel. Forgive me. Cover me in your love, your joy, and your peace. May I keep my eyes on you and submit to your guidance and will – may I hear you clearly as the noise of the world rages around me. May I know your voice so distinctly that I can focus solely on you during those times.

God you are so good to me. You have blessed me beyond anything I could ever deserve. I thank you for your faithfulness and goodness. God I ask that those that oppose me in various areas of my life, that you show them your love and may they know you. May they see you in me, may I not allow my flesh to taint your image and may my interactions with them be consistent to your character. God I am so sorry… Thank you for your son and the gift you gave me.

-Amen

 

For The Children....

Proverbs 14:26 " He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge."

    As I was reading my Bible the other day, this Proverb really spoke to me. I have read it so many times before, but today it seemed brand new. Throughout Proverbs we are taught that the fear of the Lord is - the sign of a man whose walk is upright, leads to life, and in Psalm 111:10 - "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom..."

    This morning we were looking at Colossians 3:12-25, in verse 21 it says, "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." I think men often focus on fixing things, on establishing rules, and trying to lead their family - but we often fail to read our instruction manuals. When we look to the world for how to be a father we are setting ourselves up for failure - eventually the pressures of the world will crush us.

    We must turn to God daily to renew our strength, provide counsel, and give us the wisdom to model his love for our children and families. When we take the time to build our relationship with God and allow His love to flow through us, everyone is blessed and our children see His light in us. Children are a precious loan from God, we must never forget they are His children -  we are trusted to care for them, and instructed to teach and guide them. We often hear preachers talk about being "good stewards" with our resources (time, talent, and treasure), are you being a good steward with your children? Are you setting them up for failure or are you building that refuge for them - eventually they will have to face the world, are you the safe house they seek or just another source of disappointment and discouragement?

      

 

A Judas Complex?

John 12:4-6  "But Judas Iscariot, the disciple who would soon betray him, said, "That perfume was worth a year's wages. It should have been sold and the money given to the poor." Not that he cared for the poor - he was a thief, and since he was in charge of the disciples' money, he often stole some for himself."

Judas made this statement after Mary had anointed Jesus' feet with an expensive perfume and wiped his feet with her hair. As I read this statement I thought about the statements John made - that Judas was a thief and often stole money... if John knew this, didn't Jesus?

Of course Jesus knew, but he never rebuked or confronted Judas about this behavior (that we are told) - so Judas continued to steal. Since Judas was not confronted, he was free to continue to behave in an inappropriate manner! He got away with it, so why stop.

How often do we continue to do what we know is wrong simply because we can - "If no one knows, why not!" The only person Judas fooled was himself, we know Jesus knew and from the text we know the other disciples knew as well. 

What secret sins are we carrying? What are we allowing to separate us from God and ultimately erode our character? Do we really have to wait for our sins to be exposed in public before we repent? And if we only repent after we are exposed, are we truly sorry for our actions or are we sorry that we got caught and are punished?

 

Creation or Creator?

Romans 1:18-23  "But God shows his anger from heaven against all sinful, wicked people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness. They know the truth about God because he has made it obvious to them. For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities - his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God. Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn't worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. As a result, their minds became dark and confused. Claiming to be wise, they instead became utter fools. And instead of worshiping the glorious, ever-living God, they worshiped idols made to look like mere people and birds and animals and reptiles."

Paul was writing this to the early church in Rome. As I read the chapter, it was strange how the sins back then were the same as today. Reread Romans 1... it may shock you.

Why do we allow our pride to convince us that we can understand God, anytime we try to define God with human absolutes, we limit Him. We try to understand heavenly and infinite matters with our finite logic... that is impossible. Look at the verse, "... they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. As a result, their minds became dark and confused." Our pride tells us we are so much more advanced today than people were back then, but we still can not completely explain the pyramids or the temples in South America!

There is a serious heart condition at work here - for some reason people insist on worshiping the tangible creations instead of the Creator. A creation speaks about the creator; it confirms his talents and his existence but the creator is not totally defined by the thing he created. 

Pray this week that God will reveal himself to you in a new way through his creations... take the time to really look at a flower, the detail, the intelligence in design... look at the sunset or the stars - God's beauty is all around us, we just have to take the time to truly see it. 

How Soon We Forget...

1 Kings 18:38-39  "Immediately the fire of the Lord flashed down from heaven and burned up the young bull, the wood, the stones, and the dust. It even licked up all the water from the trench! And when al the people saw it, they fell face down on the ground and cried out, "The Lord - he is God! Yes, the Lord is God!""

The people of Israel had just witnessed God's power and seen an idol exposed. The prophets of Baal spent the entire day summoning their god to accept their offering, all he had to do was send fire to consume it. 450 prophets shouting, dancing, and even bleeding to entice their god to show himself as the true god - but nothing happened. Elijah not only asked God to send fire but Elijah actually soaked the offering and wood with 12 jars of water. All of Israel witnessed it, they confessed the "Lord is God!"

What happened later? People tend to have short term memories. Remember when Moses led them out of Egypt - God parted the Sea for them to escape and destroyed their enemies. Shortly after-wards they "honored" God by making a golden calf... It is easy to read the Bible and ask ourselves, "How could they be so blind?" Are we any different?

I personally have seen God provide and then shortly there after doubt -  after all, worry is a form of doubt! I believe that our memory is effected by our pride, we tend to want to take credit for things. When we take the credit, we minimize God. If our God is small then our worries and problems seem larger - this cycle leads us to focus on our issues and forget about God. It is so easy to get caught up in our day to day lives but what if we took a few more minutes each day to focus solely on God and trust Him with our problems. How would our lives be changed if we spent a little more time with God and a little less time with ourselves?

20/20 But Still Blind...

Judges 16:15-16   "Then Delilah pouted, "How can you tell me, 'I love you,' when you don't share your secrets with me? You've made fun of me three times now, and you still haven't told me what makes you so strong!" She tormented him with her nagging day after day until he was sick to death of it."

 

Samson was a man of great strength but he had one weakness - women. If you look at Judges 14 -16, Samson's life is plagued with drama related to women. A women ultimately betrayed him and it cost him everything.

When I studied the account of Samson and Delilah, I caught myself saying, "How can you be so stupid?... She has tested everything you have told her and coincidently just as you wake up Philistines come for you!" Then I stop and think about my life. Satan knows our weaknesses and is a master of temptation.

Delilah constantly nagged, Samson took his eyes off God and he caved. Satan continually tempts us.... without turning it over to God and relying on Him for our strength we are in a perilous situation. Samson was tempted by lust and women. Samson was blinded well before the Philistines took his eyes... have you had your vision checked lately?

A Challenge....

Proverbs 28:27  "Whoever gives to the poor will lack nothing, but those who close their eyes to poverty will be cursed."

Proverbs 19:17  "If you help the poor, you are lending to the Lord - and he will repay you!"

 

DO YOU SEE ME?

I am everywhere but you do not see

Who I am, Who I was, or meant to be.

When I look at you; You turn the other way,

I wasn’t always what you almost saw today.

A father, a mother, little girls or boys,

Like you, I was small and played with toys.

Back then you’d share and play with me,

Things have change;  Me, you do not see!

Lifetime of choices have taken their toll,

Faith,  hope, and love – they have been stole.

Bruised and battered and almost broken,

Seen me all over but you’ve never spoken.

“Jesus loves you,” you might claim,

Why don’t you ever ask my name?

    -TG

 

 

   I wanted to put out a challenge - I know that we all see homeless people everyday and sometimes we give them a couple dollars or some of our lunch etc... How often do you truly acknowledge them as a person? Not judge them for their current circumstance, but honestly tried to connect to them on a personal level?

I know that "times are tough," but I personally took an inventory of the money I spend each week on soda, snacks, and other miscellaneous non essential items and it kind of surprised me. I have decided to give a set amount each day - but instead of giving it to an organization I want to give it to a person. Each morning I will pray that God puts a person that needs a little help in my path and leads me to interact with them and that God will be honored through our encounter.

I think sometimes we miss the point of helping someone - I think sometimes people will give someone a couple dollars to help their own conscience... but they are missing the point. It is about God, not about making us feel better or buying atonement.

I challenge you to pray about this and if you feel God is speaking to you, pray each morning that God will set up an "appointment" for you each day. Dare to ask their name, tell them that you prayed God would use you and that He set up your meeting. Dare to share a little love with your fellow man...

 

Just 'Cause It's Normal Doesn't Make It Right!

Genesis 19:1-9    "That evening the two angels came to the entrance of the city of Sodom. Lot was sitting there, and when he saw them, he stood up to meet them. Then he welcomed them and bowed with his face to the ground. "My lords," he said, "come to my home to wash your feet, and be my guest for the night. You may then get up early in the morning and be on your way again." "Oh, no," they replied. "We'll just spend the night out here in the city square." But Lot insisted, so at last they went home with him. Lot prepared a feast for them, complete with fresh bread made without yeast, and they ate. But before they retired for the night, all the men of Sodom, young and old, came from all over the city and surrounded the house. They shouted to Lot, "Where are the men who came to spend the night with you? Bring them out to us so we can have sex with them!" So Lot stepped outside to talk to them, shutting the door behind him. "Please, my brothers," he begged, "don't do such a wicked thing. Look, I have two virgin daughters. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do with them as you wish. But please, leave these men alone, for they are my guests and are under my protection." "Stand back!" they shouted. "This fellow came to town as an outsider, and now he's acting like our judge! We'll treat you far worse than those other men!" And they lunged toward Lot to break down the door."

As a father, this story totally confuses me. How could a father offer his own daughters to be raped by a mob? Part of this has to do with the customs of the time that required Lot to protect his guests, others speculate that Lot knew the men would not accept his daughters... but either way the prevalence of sin in Sodom is undeniable.

Later in the story we see that Lot tried to encourage his family to leave, but he was not believed - he had lost his credibility. Sodom was truly a Godless place. Even with the impending doom and the angels warning, Lot's wife could not turn away completely...

After I read this chapter I began to think about our world, society today, and what has become acceptable behavior. Our moral fiber is in a continual state of decline... look back at movies in the 60's and 70's that were rated R and now look at our PG movies (if you can find one) - I believe a lot of our rated R movies today would have never been produced twenty years ago. We have become desensitized to sexual content, nudity, profanity, etc. The more we are exposed the more acceptable an activity (or sin) becomes. We deceive ourselves into thinking, "it is not that bad," simply because it has become a "norm" in society. The sin has not changed - the hardness of our hearts has only increased.

The people at Sodom believed their conduct was acceptable - it was their norm. What areas of your life have become acceptable to you, a place where your norm that is not aligned with God's law? Just because the world finds something acceptable, does not make it right.

Credit Where Credit Is Due...

Acts 12:21-23  "... When the day arrived, Herod put on his royal robes, sat on his throne, and made a speech to them. The people gave him a great ovation, shouting, "It's the voice of a god, not a man!" Instantly, an angel of the Lord struck Herod with a sickness, because he accepted the people's worship instead of giving the glory to God. So he was consumed with worms and died."

Herod took the glory instead of honoring God... it cost him his life. Granted, Herod was not the nicest of men - he had James beheaded and Peter arrested, but the Bible says he was struck with sickness for taking the glory instead of giving it to God.

Human pride is behind many of our sins; it keeps us from admitting our faults, confessing our transgressions, seeking forgiveness, and causes us to isolate ourselves from others out of fear they might know who we really are. Herod's pride lead to his death.

Take time to reflect on instanceswhen you have taken the credit for God's work, when you think you did something on your own, or believe something happened by purely your own efforts... be thankful God is merciful and spend sometime acknowledging all the ways He has blessed your life and is at work in it. 

Saul or Paul, Either Way One Bad Man...

Acts 9:1-9  "Meanwhile, Saul was uttering threats with every breath and was eager to kill the Lord's followers. So he went to the hight priest. He requested letters addressed to the synagogues in Damascus, asking for their cooperation in the arrest of any followers of the Way he found there. He wanted to bring them - both men and women - back to Jerusalem in chains. As he was approaching Damascus on this mission, a light from heaven suddenly shone down around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to him, "Saul! Saul! Why are you persecuting me?" "Who are you, lord?" Saul asked. And the voice replied, "I am Jesus, the one you are persecuting! Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do." The men with Saul stood speechless, for they heard the sound of someone's voice but saw no one! Saul picked himself up off the ground, but when he opened his eyes he was blind. So his companions led him by the hand to Damascus. He remained there blind for three days and did not eat or drink."

Saul was very zealous in his Jewish beliefs, that is why he was so anxious to pursue the Christians. Damascus was about a 150 mile trip from Jerusalem, the man was motivated. Damascus was also a very commercial city at the time and by squashing Christianity there, Saul effectively limit the spread of this "new movement." Saul was also present at Stephen's stoning, the men who stoned Stephen actually placed their coats at Saul's feet. Saul was a key figure in the persecution of the early church.

The rest of the chapter tells how Saul's eye sight was restored and how he eventually linked up with the apostles in Jerusalem, but at what cost. Saul went from a man of great influence and power to being hunted; from a proud man to being blinded; once  he demanded respect and fear now he was being smuggled out of cities in baskets.

Following Jesus cost Saul everything, he was an up and coming member of the Jewish faith and following Jesus made him a hated man. Look at all the time he would later spend in Jail, being a victim of the persecution he so readily gave others...What will it cost us?

He later wrote, "... I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Phil 4:11-13)

Whatever the cost, I pray to learn to be content...

What Are Your Motives?

Acts 8:9-23  "A man named Simon had been a sorcerer there for many years, amazing the people of Samaria and claiming to be someone great. Everyone, from the least to the greatest, often spoke of him as "the Great One - the Power of God." They listened closely to him because for a long time he had astounded them with his magic. But now the people believed Philip's message of Good News concerning the Kingdom of God and the name of Jesus Christ. As a result, many men and women were baptized. Then Simon himself believed and was baptized. He began following Philip wherever he went, and he was amazed by the signs and great miracles Philip performed. When the apostles in Jerusalem heard that the people of Samaria had accepted God's message, they sent Peter and John there. As soon as they arrived, they prayed for these new believers to receive the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit had not yet come upon any of them, for they had only been baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus. Then Peter and John laid their hands upon these believers, and they received the Holy Spirit. When Simon saw that the Spirit was given when the apostles laid hands on the people, he offered them money to buy this power. 'let me have this power, too," he exclaimed, "so that when I lay my hands on people, they will receive the Holy Spirit!" But Peter replied, "May your money be destroyed with you for thinking God's gift can be bought! You have no part in this, for your heart is not right with God. Repent of your wickedness and pray to the Lord. Perhaps he will forgive your evil thoughts, for I can see that you are full of bitter jealousy and are held captive by sin."

 

 

As I was reading the account of Simon the Sorcerer, I was drawn to the rebuke Simon was given by Peter. Peter's strong words were directed at Simon's heart and his motives for wanting the gift of the Holy Spirit. Then the next logical question, to me, came to mind - Was Simon saved?

The passage said that Simon believed and was baptized - but in James 2:19 when it is speaking about faith without deeds etc, "You believe there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that - and shudder." Therefore believing itself is not enough. The passage said that Simon believed Philip's message - so I think he probably did accept Philip's message and believe in Jesus. Maybe Simon's issue was the same that many of us face - a heart condition.

Simon was the man - he was called "the Great One." He was a powerful man and had captivated the minds of the people of Samaria, then came Philip. Philip stole the show, Philip had real power that God had given him. Simon witnessed these miracles and was obviously curious. The wording of the texts leads me to believe that Simon heard and received Philip's message - because it makes no distinction between Simon believing and the others. Simon's salvation was between Simon and God, only God truly knows the heart of a man.

Now Simon sees this "special" power that Peter and John have, he wants it. He sees this as something valuable and I believe, a way to regain his "position" in the community. So Simon's pride takes over and he tries to buy the Holy Spirit - to become the first franchisee in Samaria. "Just think all the new Christians would have to come to Simon to get the "gift" and if he made a few bucks along the way..."

Obviously Peter's rebuke shows how misguided Simon's thoughts and heart were, Peter also reinforces that God's gifts can not be bought. Peter makes it clear that it is God's choice to forgive us - that forgiveness in itself is a gift. Simon begged them to pray for him, so I do believe he understood his mistake despite his heart condition.

Maybe we have not tried to "buy" God's blessings or gifts in our lives, but maybe we have tried to negotiate with him... our ways might not have been as obvious as Simon's, but sometimes we need to check our heart condition too.

Have We Missed The Mark?

Acts 4:32-35  "All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need."

 

The early church took care of the people, and God's grace was overflowing. I believe that was part of the early appeal of the church, the people saw God in them. Unfortunately today some churches and "Christians" are missing the mark. When we neglect caring for the poor, sharing God's grace, and modeling God's love to the rest of the world we undermine the appeal of Christianity. We were created to be different, to stand out from the norms. Throughout the years we have seen many ministries derailed by scandal and each time one falls Christianity, as a whole, takes a hit.

Imagine if the churches today, your churches, followed the model of the early church... would things be different? The verses state, "There were no needy persons among them." The early church took care of the members, do we? Somewhere we started missing the mark. We started justifying our actions and lowering the standards of what was acceptable - now we have convinced ourselves that we are doing fine, but we have forgot the original standard. Take some time and think about your church and your personal walk with God, are you hitting the intended mark that God set for you or have you adjusted it to suit your standards?

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door, and deny him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable." - Brennan Manning

 

Lover or Liar?

1 John 4:19-21 "We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother."

This simple verse is incredibly deep. What does loving your brother have to do with loving God? Besides the obvious answer, "because God told us to!" - there is a bigger concept in this verse. When you think of God, your finite human perspective immediately tries to limit God - it is our nature. We immediately begin to say what God is and what God isn't. Throughout the Bible we are told that we can not possibly comprehend all of God, that He is limitless, all knowing, etc.

If you can not love your brother - if you can not forgive them and reconcile with them - some one you can see and you are more similar to than God, how can you love God? "Yeah but my brother is evil..." - So are you! When you love God you learn to love as God loves... even at your worst, God loves you. Without God it is impossible to love - we are selfish by nature, so again without God there is no love.

In 1 John 4:16 we are told, "God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him."

Just Walkin.....(Pt 2)

Matthew 14:27-32  "But Jesus immediately said to them: 'Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid.' 'Lord, if it's you,' Peter replied, 'tell me to come to you on the water.' 'Come,' he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and , beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. 'You of little faith,' he said, 'why did you doubt?' And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down."

 

Can you imagine how Peter felt?  Peter was walking on the water with Jesus! But he soon began to sink. What went wrong? He took his eyes off Jesus and focused on the circumstances and the world around him. Do you really think he had not noticed the storm tossing the boat around before he stepped out of the boat? - They had been fighting the wind for a long time prior to this, so the wind was nothing new. Fear gripped Peter, and he was robbed of enjoying more of what Jesus had for him. But Peter did something none of the others did, he saw God and stepped out on faith...

I am currently reading a book entitled, If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat. The book examines this passage in great detail and applies it our lives today. I will try to write a critique and summary of the book when I finish. So far the book seems to be full of thought provoking insight and offers a deeper look into a well known story. Who knows it just might be the catalyst we need to get us out of the boat... more to come. 
 

Just Walkin..... (Pt 1)

Mark 6:45-50  "Immediately Jesus made his disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. After leaving them, he went up on a mountainside to pray. When evening came, the boat was in the middle of the lake, and he was alone on land. He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. About the fourth watch of the night he went out to them, walking on the lake. He was about to pass by them, but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. They cried out because they were terrified."

Matthew 14:23-25  "When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it. During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake they were terrified."

John 6:17-19  "By now it was dark, and Jesus had not yet joined them. A strong wind was blowing and the waters grew rough. When they had rowed three or three and a half miles they saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were terrified."

 

Three accounts of Jesus walking on water. Can you imagine being in the boat? You are tired, it is the middle of the night, you have just finished witnessing Jesus feed the five thousand, and now you are stuck in a boat during a storm. The last thing in the world you expect is for Jesus to come walking up to the boat - you are on a lake, NO ONE would expect that.

How did they respond? They were terrified. These are the same men that have been with Jesus for a while, they have seen miracles - healing, raising of the dead..., but they were all afraid. They allowed their fear to overrun their faith.

The first part of this story just reinforces that God acts according to His timing, His will, and His plan. Realistically Jesus could have just walked out on the water at anytime, but He chose when his disciples were at their worst, most stressed, and tired selves.

 When we are tired or stressed we are more likely to act according to our true nature, maybe we speak a little less polite or we become more selfish, we have all seen it. Though just because it is our "nature" does not excuse us; God wants us available anytime He chooses, otherwise He just might pass by and we miss the chance of a lifetime.

Mission Impossible....

James 3:7-10  "All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers this should not be."

 

 

The Bible says, "What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean'." (Matt 15:11)  Think about the conversations that you are exposed to throughout a day, what do they say about the people talking? How easy is it to get caught up in the negative conversations? One person will make a comment and it is as if we smell blood in the water and people just pile on.

Try spending a day being very mindful of what you say. See how many times you censor yourself, it just might shock you. At the end of the day you may be amazed at what you have learned about yourself... I know I was, but thank God that He is in the business of changing hearts.

Insight From "Hearing God's Voice"

I am reading Hearing God's Voice, by Henry and Richard Blackaby. There is a part of the book that talks about how people say "God opened the door for..." Here is an excerpt from the book:

Many Christians base their decision-making on the "open door policy." If the door of opportunity opens, they take that as God's invitation to enter. For example, if someone is offered a promotion or a new job that includes a pay increase, they immediately assume God must be in it.

The problem with the open doors is that the emphasis is erroneously placed on the door rather than on God. Some people enter open doors under the mistaken assumption that God only allows good opportunities to come their way. Therefore, and good opportunity that comes along must be from God. Looking for open doors can appear easier than developing a relationship with God."

You can see the flaws with this logic, but I can honestly say that until I read this section of the book I had never really considered how I fall into this trap. The book goes on to say that some doors are open to distract us and others may appear closed but God is simply waiting to open them for us.

    Often we limit our experiences with God to tangible results or the fulfillment of our desires; we lack the focus and understanding to actually have a true relationship with Him. In other words, we miss the mark. Is that door supposed to be open or is it really closed? - Only way to know is to have a relationship with God and align ourselves with His ways... 

 

Justified?

Romans 7:22-23  “For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.”

 

 

 

    As Christians we have this internal battle constantly waging in us, struggling between the ways of the world and obeying God’s laws. Since the original sin we have always questioned God’s laws – “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden” (Gen. 3:1)  The world has always tried to insert a gray area into God’s laws, the world loves the gray areas but God’s laws are black and white.

    I was talking to a friend the other day, discussing things we are struggling with in our lives and how we were trying to apply God’s laws to our lives. My friend made a statement that shocked me a bit, “I know that God says it is wrong but He also knows everything I have been through and the things I am dealing with – so He understands.” I was stunned at first, just because we have had trials in our lives we are able to justify our continued sin?

    After our conversation I decide to examine my own justifications and be more mindful of what I encounter on a daily basis. If God convicts us of something in our lives, He is not asking us to justify it as we would to one another; He is pointing out something in our lives that is keeping us from Him and we need to deal with it. We can justify anything, it is a great gift the world has given us… we see it everyday on the television – “got to get mine.” It is a tragic condition of our hearts that we are so hardened and resistant to God’s ways…

    In Jeremiah 17:9 God tells us, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.” It is only by inviting God into our hearts that we are changed. God is continually working on us: as He reveals things to us, He wants us to change them and align with His will – not to “explain why” we continue to do them. He wants to know who we love more…   

Scheduling Problem?

"People who struggle to spend time with God don't have a scheduling problem; they have a love problem." -Experiencing Godby Henry and Richard Blackaby

  I am working through an "Iron man" discipleship at church, as part of this curriculum we have to read the book Experiencing God.  The book has daily lessons, each takes about 30 minutes. I am in my third week of the study and the impact is already amazing.

A couple days ago I read the sentence above and felt a huge conviction in my life. How do we know the things someone values in their life? - It is typically where they spend their time. Is my relationship with God more important than watching that old television rerun, Sports Center, or some other activity I have in my life? A simple priority adjustment, making my relationship with God a priority will greatly improve my relationship with him. It is a simple concept - We do it when we are dating or when we are trying to stay healthy (30 to 60 minutes in a gym), why can't we approach our spiritual relationship in the same manner? 

Before we complain that God is not there, or God is not listening, we might want to look at our heart.  He might already be at the restaurant waiting on us to show up for our date!

Three Boxes...

Matthew 6:25-34  "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

 

How often do we worry?  The past few weeks things have been coming at me like crazy - bills, legal fees, court dates, etc. I went through my daughter's closets and realized most all of their clothes were getting too small. I admit I became angry and I felt helpless. I have been fighting a custody battle for my children for the past 18 months, so you can imagine the legal fees, I am financially strapped and felt hopeless. I broke down. I started crying and praying, asking God when things were going to let up? Why is it if I am following your will does my ex-wife benefit from lying and cheating?  I was angry and then I began trying to figure out how I was going to buy my daughter's the things they needed.

Soon after my conversation with God my phone rang, my mom told me that a coworker is sending me somethings for the girls. I was relieved but still curious I mean it could not be that simple right? The "somethings" arrived today. She sent three boxes, one for each of my daughters packed full of brand new clothes and then the third box was 3 new pairs of shoes for each of them. I could not believe it. Couple this with the news my attorney gave me today that it looks like we are almost finished with our custody fight and that all the information I have gathered over these months will really help our case. We have a court date Monday, but for once I feel very confident.

My point is that we must remember God has a plan for each of us, His blessing arrive according to His timing, and His plan is perfect. All my frustration over the past couple years seems silly looking back, as the pieces of the puzzle fall into place I am in awe of how they have come out. The temporary suffering and frustrations I felt were all for a bigger plan, one I could never have imagined but God knew - He always knows, just sometimes we forget.

Thoughts To Share

 

 

http://batteredwarrior.typepad.com/forgiving/2009/07/happy-to-cause-chaos.html

 

What If......

        As the circumstances surrounding the deaths of Steve McNair and Michael Jackson unfold we are starting to see into the darker more private aspects of their lives.  I do not advocate judging them at all, it is not our place.  It did raise some interesting questions.  If you died right now, what dirty secrets would your loved ones find? A secret lover? A hidden addiction? What would they learn about the “true” you that would be embarrassing?  Unfortunately most of us have something that we are not proud of, a hidden vice, or a little secret that we work so hard to hide from everyone.  How much energy do we spend try to hold on to our vice and then covering our tracks? 

       We all know our own secrets, we know what is wrong and we are reminded each time we indulge ourselves.  Over time our discomfort wanes and our appetite increases, eventually we become a slave to our addiction.  We are soon consumed by guilt. The guilt coupled with shame separates us further from God and His ability to free us from this addiction, thus our downward spiral continues. This secret sin not only starts to take over our lives it hinders our relationship with God, effectively destroying us on two levels. 

      Take the time to ask yourself, “If I died right now, what would they find?” Anything we are hiding needs to be dealt with, nothing is beyond forgiveness and through God we can break any addiction.  The first step is to face yourself, be honest about what you are doing and why – no excuses or justification – just a good honest assessment.  In life we are promised nothing and once our time has come there are no “do overs.”  

Keep Getting Sucked In?

Proverbs 17:14   "Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out."

Proverbs 17:19  "He who loves to quarrel loves sin; he who builds a high gate invites destruction."

 

 

 

    How often after we have an argument with someone do we regret it? Or feel like it was a complete waste of our time and our breath? It is so easy to be drawn into an argument, especially if we feel we are right. It is almost as if we feel that we should correct the other person and make them see the error of their ways. Unfortunately the other person usually feels the same way about their views and the exchange continues. An argument is a gateway to other sins - pride, anger, hatred, un-forgiveness,...

    I do not believe that these verses mean that we should never disagree or state our beliefs, however there is a fine line between stating our position and arguing to "be right." An argument involves emotions, often times as our emotional levels increase our ability to remain logical and rational diminishes. No matter how peaceful an exchange may begin, there is a point at which we can feel the tensions beginning to escalate. It is at that moment that we know we will soon be arguing and peaceful discussions will cease. Then we need to make a decision - continue, take time to let the emotions die down and if need be discuss the issue later, or just agree to disagree. 

    Is it better to be right or be at peace? There are very few things that are a clear win / lose situation, an argument damages both people and rarely changes either's previous belief or view. It is much more effective to discuss things, exchanging ideas equally, than it is to argue in hopes of changing the other's view. Something to think about.. When we argue with the hope of making the other person accept our side and change their own position, aren't we essentially saying that our view is the only one that is correct?     

"Money, Money, Money by the Pound..."

Luke 10:13  "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else's property, who will give you property on your own? No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and ."

 

 

 

 These verses are taken from Jesus' parable of the Shrewd Manager and was in front of the Pharisees, who happened to love money. The essence of the message is to do what is right with whatever you are entrusted with, that your actions will be a reflection of your heart.

    When I began thinking about this parable the song from Pete's Dragon, "Money, Money, Money by the Pound," came to mind. It is so true of today's society, money above all else. We sacrifice family, integrity, honor, morals, and even love for money. Unfortunately the love, or lust, of money is a never ending quest, there is never enough. One of my friends asked me if I knew how long a raise lasted. His answer, until the next paycheck!Once we have more money our lifestyle increase to accommodate our new fortune. Often times we overlook God in this equation.

    Do you thank Him for blessing you? Give the credit to God or take it for yourself? - after all you earned it, right? I am not going to lecture or debate if you should tithe and how much, but we are told to help those in need. That assistance is not limited to money, it is your time and your talents as well. God calls us to work and to give of ourselves.You cannot love God and love Money because eventually one will win out. The manner in which we use the talents and gifts God blesses us with directly effects the blessing and gifts we receive in the future. So are you choosing to listen to God or E.F. Hutton?

Revenge? Anger?

Romans 12:17-21  "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge. I will repay." says the Lord. On the contrary:  "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

 

 

    This verse is very tough to apply. Everything in our being wants revenge for those who wrong us, but we want mercy when we are the offender. We all know someone that is just difficult to deal with, that just thinking about having to interact with them makes our teeth clinch. God calls us to live in peace with everyone - though there is a qualifier there "as far as it depends on you". We are to try to live at peace but some people are not going to allow it. That is when we must apply the first part of the passage, "do what is right in the eyes of everyone." As long as we are not allowing ourselves to be pulled down by the "game" we will be much better for it. Besides God will enact His justice as He sees fit. So it may seem like there is no reward in "taking the high road," but then again where would you rather have your rewards, here or heaven?

Somethings Are Better Left Not Said....

Proverbs 20:3 "It is to a man's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel."

 

 

    How often have we all said something without thinking and wish we had never said it? How about lash out at a loved one, but spoke from anger and not love?

    Controlling our own tongue, especially when we are hurt or angry, can be the hardest thing we will ever do. Think about your last argument (or exchange) with a loved one when you were angry or upset. Did your lashing out solve anything? Typically it will only add fuel to the fire, often times your anger will take an argument down many tangents - after all, once you reach a certain point it is all about being right, winning, or hurting them too, right? At that point we stop listening and become very defensive, if they choose the wrong word - watch out! We stop listening to their heart and we are searching for ammunition. In the end things are often more complicated than when they began and nothing really gets resolved.

    Next time you find yourself headed down that path, try to take a step back and look at the big picture. It just may save you an apology later, and who knows you might hear what the other person is actually saying.

Pressure Builds....

    I have taken a break from my writing... well not so much a break but I have withdrawn from most things over the past couple weeks.  I am currently trying to prepare myself for several battles at once - the sad part is, none of it is in my control.  I have pulled away from people and isolated myself to such a degree that I am staring at my old blanket - that comfortable, familiar, and dark mood that slowly eats us from the inside - depression.

    I have a meeting with my ex-wife and her lawyer to try to agree on a child sharing plan for my children.  This meeting has started me thinking and trying to be objective to the best interest of my children - but at the same time I am forced to replay all the lies and deceit that has gone on for more than two years now.  Trying to take the "high road" or be "the bigger person", has led me to the verge of bankruptcy and allowed her to profit from this process.  She is the one that wanted to leave the marriage, had the boyfriend, lives with him...  Anyway, I am sure I am not alone in dealing with this.  However, I turned my back on my reading - my books and the Bible, I stopped writing, and I found myself preferring to be alone or engage in superficial distractions than to actually push through this mess.

    God tells us not to worry - He tells us that He will take care of us and provide us with what we need - and He also tells us that justice is His alone.  Great! So what does that mean for me?  I have tried to see things from a different point of view - but to be honest I can only step back so far before I get sucked back in.  I have tried to move forward in many arenas, but seem to trip out of the gate.  God never said our lives would be easy - so I had to ask myself why?  Why is this happening? Why am I getting screwed? Why, Why, Why? 

    About then I got hit in the head with a brick - inside I knew that I was looking at this wrong.  Instead of looking at what I do not have, I needed to look at what I do have.  There was a point when my job could have changed - I could have gotten what Ithought was a good deal, but it fell through and I went somewhere else.  Fast forward 7 months - I have a totally accommodating assignment that will give me the flexibility to properly care for my children and hopefully lead to me gaining full custody... the job I thought was good - it no longer exists and their future with the company is in doubt.  There are several other areas where I have been taken care of and God is still guiding me - no leading me - through these turbulent waters, I just have to hold on and trust HE has it.

    I guess the point of my rant is a period of self reflections and self realization. It is funny how we cry out for God when we are hurting and broken - sometimes we are not as broken as we would like to think we are... but when we are really in deep we grab the wheel as if to say, "Hold on God, let me show you where we need to go!"  Eventually - and thankfully - most of the time we soon realize that we are going in circles or racing backward... then we need to humble ourselves, get back in the back seat and let God take the wheel.  The hardest part about riding in the backseat is realizing there is not a wheel there - and there was not supposed to be one.  God in his mercy forgives us for snatching the wheel from Him, but we need to submit our lives to His will and allow Him to navigate the dangers ahead.  There will be trials and their will be issues but He will get us through.

    I remember seeing bumper stickers when I was a kid - "God is my Co Pilot", everyone though they were clever and a great motto to keep.  I think there are too many letters in that saying - God should be the Pilot - but our society and pride would never encourage complete obedience to God.  We must remember we do not live in a Godly world, the justice system, the values, the complete basis of life here on earth has been tainted and distorted from what God intended.  When things do not seem fair or right, we have to remember who determines what is fair - it is not for us to decide, even when we think we are right!

I know God CAN..... BUT this is ME!

Mark 5:25-34  "And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for 12 years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors nd spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, "If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed." Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.

    At once Jesus realized that power had gone out of from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, "Who touched my clothes?"

    "You see the people crowding against you," his disciples answered, "and yet you can ask, 'Who touched me?' "

    But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

 

   There are several keys to this story. The woman had been bleeding / suffering for twelve years! The doctors of the time could do nothing to ease her pain. While she submitted to the doctor's care, it cost her all her money and I imagine her hope as well. Put yourself in the woman's shoes for a moment, the doctors are telling her she is hopeless and are most likely resorting to some "questionable" practices. I am sure her friends are telling her that she needs to just accept her fate and give up... but she doesn't.  She is desperate.

    Then she knows that Jesus is coming, she knows of his miracles and most importantly believes he can heal her.  So she acts on her faith and is healed.  She could have easily saw the crowd and said "oh well, there are so many people, I can not possibly reach him." But she took a chance and held on to her faith and trusted in God's power.

    After this miracle, Jesus went and raised a girl from the dead.  That story is even a little more telling - the people were there already mourning the little girl, so everyone was telling the parents to give up hope - but through the faith of the parents the girl was healed.

    God can do all things - the Bible is full of examples... the common thread is faith.  It is not always our own faith that heals us, but the faith and prayer of others can help keep us strong and heal us too.  The one question I can not answer is this - Why as Christians do we allow the world to rob our faith?  Our faith can move mountains, raise the dead, the blind can see, and the lame walk - all through faith - it only makes sense that Satan would do everything in his power to rob us of our faith and in turn the blessings God has for us.... Why do we let him?

Random Thoughts

2/19

 

            I cannot seem to keep myself focused on the here and now – I constantly drift to the future or reliving the past.  Why can I not keep focused?  I sit and think, come up with things I know I need to do… but I fail to execute.  Before I realize it, another week has slipped by.  What is wrong with me? 

            How do I get rid of the pain and anger inside me?  How do we guard our heart, yet keep it soft at the same time?  I find myself constantly looking for an excuse to close the door on someone, life is simpler alone – yet desperately unfulfilling and lonely – but simpler.  What have I yet to learn?  I can see the cycles in my life and understand the ones that have led me to this place – I know what is good and how I need to go about working towards it, how do I get the monkeys off my back?  Heck at times it feels like an entire zoo!

            Depression is a familiar blanket.  It wraps you tight and engulfs your world, pretty soon you get used to the lack of light. In fact you begin to embrace the darkness and it comforts you – after all it is familiar.  There are no new expectations, only the familiar voices of failure and disappointment – couple them with inadequacy and worthlessness and you have your own support group. When life gets hard or turbulent – your blanket is there to sooth you.  Just retreat to depression and you will soon be back in familiar ground.  It is a trap I have found myself in several times in my life… the trick is how do we break it?

            I cannot answer my own question… I only know that it must be broken to thrive and grow spiritually and emotionally. It takes God to break it – I know that, but we need a support network too.  People that do not judge us or condemn us, but helps encourage us – sometimes give us tough love too… but most of all someone that we know loves us no matter what.  We know God does, but I also believe he places people in our life to help us through those tough times too. 

I am currently going through an inventory – a friend and influence inventory. It is really hard. Sometimes when you start to limit the influence people have in your life they become bitter – but I believe their response shows their heart… most often my choices have been right.  I pray and ask God’s wisdom; usually he will show you where you need to sever ties and where you need to strengthen them.

I never claim to have all the answers, I have just made enough mistakes that I have learned some things… usually not on the first go round – I have the zoo to prove it!

Be Thankful...

Thessalonians 5:16-18  "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

 

    I heard someone say that if you are on welfare in America that more wealthy than most people in the world.  It is easy in our society to get caught up in what we are "lacking"... feel sorry for ourselves or complain about our job, money, cars, etc.  It is an easy trap to fall into, we live in a time where instant gratification is king. 

    The verse is simple, yet profound.. It does not tell us to be thankful once a year, or for our blessings... it says to give thanks in all circumstances. Some of our greatest blessing comes from when God does not give us what we "want", but he teaches us what we need. Take the time daily to thank God for what he has given you.  The spirit of contentment will help keep you calm during the most trying times.

Revelation....

Revelation 12:10-12  " Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say: 'Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. Therefore rejoice, you heavens and you who dwell in them! But woe to the earth and the sea, because the devil has gone down to you! He is filled with fury, because he knows that his time is short.'"

 

    This passage is talking about when Satan and his followers were cast out of heaven.  The interesting parts of this verse is that the "accuser of our brothers..." and "they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death."  Satan constantly attacks us, we are in a spiritual battle that we can not win with our physical bodies alone!  Satan appeals to our sinful nature and uses everything he can to distance us from God - he is very efficient at convincing us that we are not good enough and do not deserve to receive the blessings God has for us. Our testimony, the way we live our lives, is our greatest weapon we have in this battle.  Mere words are not enough, it takes a change of heart and letting our actions speak for us - our fruits reflect our hearts.

 

A Resource....

    As I was surfing the web the other day I stumbled across a site that offers a great deal of information and could prove to be a valuable resource. http://www.bible.org/index.php?scid=1 can provide additional views and seems to touch on a wide range of issues as well. Often times we need to challenge ourselves and our views, research and gain knowledge, and just know that we are not alone - I think this site can help many of us no matter where we are.

Gossip....

Proverbs 26:22  " The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man's inmost parts."

Proverbs 26:20  " Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down"

    As I have worked through certain trials in my life I have noticed that I can always find a "friend" that wants to listen, sometimes these friends are fellow Christians.  Unfortunately, I have learned some tough lessons through these experiences too.  Things I had shared in confidence or when I needed advice or support were quickly spread among people that I did not know or did not have the confidence or comfort to share with.

    The first verse addresses the appeal of gossip - there is something in our nature that craves to know what is happening to the people around us and we have this desire to be "in the know".  We must resist that urge to share what we know with others - if someone does not need to know, there is often little point in sharing.  If you are sharing in order to gain knowledge or glean wisdom to help the person with their problems, you still need to respect the confidence of the person that opened up to you.  We all need help or advice from others at some point in our lives. If you were working through your deepest, darkest secrets and need help, would you want the person you confide in to share your problems with everyone they knew?  The same level of respect you would expect you should give.

      When we gossip people get hurt.  We hurt the relationship and trust of the person that confided in us - but we also run the risk of spreading lies and helping distort and destroy a persons character etc.  Personally I have lost a few people I considered friends because they betrayed my trust. I confided in them during a time of trouble and they helped comfort me... however I soon heard from others the things I had said - some true and some not. These things were not meant to be shared, but it also hurt that the person I confided in and the things they had told me lost value.  They lost my trust because they shared things with others, but their actions did not follow what they told me they believed. So now I am left wondering, "Did they mean what they said, or did they just say it so I would continue to talk and give them things to talk about with their friends?"

    We all need to think about what we are saying and if we need to say it...  Proverbs 11:13 says, "A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret."

When You Are Down....

Psalm 34 :  "I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together. 

    I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.

    Taste and see what that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. 

    Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord. Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.

    The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry; the face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

    The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

    A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.

    Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. The Lord redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him."

 

"I won't do it again... I promise!"

    My daughters are two years apart in age, they are best friends and at times they are mortal enemies.  At times it seems like they would fight over a piece of string... it is nerve racking.  The second they sense they are in trouble the promises start - "We won't fight anymore, we promise.  We won't do it again!  ..."  I am sure every parent has heard the laundry list of excuses and empty promises that children use to avoid punishment.  Today my girls were in one of their moods and I started thinking - Isn't that how we treat God?

   Human nature is self serving at best, so we tend to do whatever we want or what gives us pleasure and often ignore the consequences.  When it is time to pay for our actions, we cry out to God - "We won't do it again!  I promise if you get me through this I will never...." I am speaking from personal conviction, but figured I am probably not alone. 

    We often wonder why God allows us to suffer and go through hard times... maybe because it is the only way we learn.  I do not enjoy punishing my children, sometimes they do not understand just talking to them - it takes something more to make them understand and to be truly sorry. Maybe through our suffering or trials that God is hoping for us to have a true change of heart.  Next time instead of just promising God a change, maybe we should look a little deeper and ask "Why am I here? What did I do to help put myself here?  What do I need to change?"

Reflection

As I sit here I am forced to face all the mistakes of my past… stare each one in the eye and own my blame and accept my fate.  I have no one but myself to blame for my current situation – no one to hang my excuses on… they are mine and mine alone.  How can I expect others to trust me when I can not even handle my own life and have made a mess of everything I have touched?  A father is not supposed to have to worry about how his crying will hurt his children – or struggle to smile as he tells them he did not get a chance to go to the grocery store – when the truth is he does not have the money to get them the little extras they are used to.  It is easy to hate others for this situation – but I chose to marry, I chose to spend, and now I must figure out how to cope and deal with my mess I am facing.  It does make it hard to swallow that I have to give her more money than I get a month to live on, that she has profited from her lies and cheating… but I can not condemn her for that, it is her life and her lies and conduct are between her and God.  I can only try to work through the forgiveness and allow God to heal me – right now I have a hard time facing myself…

            Over the past year I have successfully isolated myself from most people – my days without the girls are spent alone in thought.  I have lost the desire and pleasure of working out or just doing “normal” activities.  I am haunted by my finances… everything I do is in the fear of money.  I wish I could escape and start over… I am tormented by failing my children – by being a disappointment to them.  Will they look back at me when they are older and resent me?  Will they remember me as an isolated and broken man?  They know that I love them, but sometimes that just doesn’t seem like enough.  In my head I know that is the wrong attitude… but my heart hurts.

            I am a romantic and often dream of the happy ever after – but am I just a foolish dreamer?  Can anyone really love me and rely on me… Will they ever take the chance to let me love them?  Am I that screwed up? At times I do not want to know the answer to that… because I think I am.  I get all these grand ideas – I write poems, believe it when people tell me I have a gift to write and I should pursue publishing them…. I let my dreams begin – why?  I have never completed anything in my life!  People think I have it together, but I have failed at so many things it is absurd. I want so bad to do well and right by my children and by my future wife…. Am I destined to fail them too? To quit is wrong, to not try is a sin!  What do I do? 

            How do you explain to someone that they are all you want? That you understand their heart ache – you might not have experienced all their pain, but you can relate and have had and still have your own issues. That each night when you go to sleep you think and long for the day you can hold them and them alone!  The thought of them not in your life is unbearable!  You physically ache to touch their cheek! Even when you can not see good in yourself, you want to give everything to make them smile!  One kiss will erase years of pain… one hug will bring hope and security to a world of chaos.  Alone we spin and slip deeper into the mire we are in… together we will thrive and our darkened would will be full of color and suddenly become alive.

            I can not explain to anyone how I got to the place I am at now… no one put me here – this is the result of decisions I have made throughout my life… each one built upon the other. Hindsight I can see a lot of my mistakes and I have learned from many of them – why am I here, I am not sure.  What will I learn through this? – I can not answer that either.  I hope that I will gain my partner in life – the one I will spend the rest of my life with and together we will provide the stability and love OUR family will require.

            When I take the time to detach my emotions from things I can see where I need to separate myself from the world.  To not allow the repeated disappointments I feel from my father to impact my self worth… the repeated rejection from the women in my past to determine my future… the failures of my biological father and my step father to determine what kind of father I will be… my history of isolation and rejection, of not having friends and being judged to limit my ability to interact… how simple rejection and cruel laughter still impact my self esteem and how I perceive myself! – I know inside that I am doing these things and I should not allow them to have power over me, but how do I stop it? She does not see how scared I am to give everything I am to her… that inside I have the same voices she does… but I HATE where this vicious cycle leads and I do not want to find myself here again.  That is why I want to be with her and never let go… I know that we are right, but we have to act on faith and determination… that is our only hope of getting out of this. 

            When I stop to think about it – I am scared to death!  What if I fail her, if I disappoint her, if I can not meet her needs?  What if she leaves me? What if… What if… What if… Then in a moment of clarity I think… We will be happy! We will love each other forever! We are meant to be!  That little word, “if”, can destroy all hope.  We simply commit to each other and to our family – renew that each day and take each day as it comes.  The Bible tells us not to worry, if is a word of worry!  We need to hope; we need to believe; we need to love. – Corinthians tells us what Love is – and it will heal all things, though Love, time and God’s grace we will be whole!

            Our past does not define our future, it only influences who we are to the degree we allow it. God can heal all things, if we allow it.

HOW?

Usually I quote a scripture before I begin, something that I have read that has spoken to me... this time I have chosen to just write.  How do you forgive yourself? When you stop and take a deep look at yourself, how do you forgive that ugly person looking back at you?  Are you not reminded of all the times you have repented of things and asked God to forgive you - only to go right back out and fall into the same trap? 

    I do believe God forgives us, the cycle comes from the heart and not having a complete change of heart and removing the foothold from your life. Changing your heart takes lots of one on one time and brutal honesty with God, He will change your heart and show you where those footholds are – though you still have to remove them. 

   I have been working through removing footholds from my life,  because I did not like who I saw in the mirror.  I was haunted by the skeletons and poor decisions of my past and through God’s grace I can heal my spirit. Eventually becoming the man God has called me to be. 

   Though I still struggle with forgiving myself… there are real world consequences for our actions and those actions can cause loved ones to suffer.  So as that suffering is manifested, how do you forgive yourself?  You can use it as a reminder so you never fall into that trap again… but you still suffer.