A Battered Warrior

Three Boxes...

Matthew 6:25-34  "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

 

How often do we worry?  The past few weeks things have been coming at me like crazy - bills, legal fees, court dates, etc. I went through my daughter's closets and realized most all of their clothes were getting too small. I admit I became angry and I felt helpless. I have been fighting a custody battle for my children for the past 18 months, so you can imagine the legal fees, I am financially strapped and felt hopeless. I broke down. I started crying and praying, asking God when things were going to let up? Why is it if I am following your will does my ex-wife benefit from lying and cheating?  I was angry and then I began trying to figure out how I was going to buy my daughter's the things they needed.

Soon after my conversation with God my phone rang, my mom told me that a coworker is sending me somethings for the girls. I was relieved but still curious I mean it could not be that simple right? The "somethings" arrived today. She sent three boxes, one for each of my daughters packed full of brand new clothes and then the third box was 3 new pairs of shoes for each of them. I could not believe it. Couple this with the news my attorney gave me today that it looks like we are almost finished with our custody fight and that all the information I have gathered over these months will really help our case. We have a court date Monday, but for once I feel very confident.

My point is that we must remember God has a plan for each of us, His blessing arrive according to His timing, and His plan is perfect. All my frustration over the past couple years seems silly looking back, as the pieces of the puzzle fall into place I am in awe of how they have come out. The temporary suffering and frustrations I felt were all for a bigger plan, one I could never have imagined but God knew - He always knows, just sometimes we forget.

Thoughts To Share

 

 

http://batteredwarrior.typepad.com/forgiving/2009/07/happy-to-cause-chaos.html

 

What If......

        As the circumstances surrounding the deaths of Steve McNair and Michael Jackson unfold we are starting to see into the darker more private aspects of their lives.  I do not advocate judging them at all, it is not our place.  It did raise some interesting questions.  If you died right now, what dirty secrets would your loved ones find? A secret lover? A hidden addiction? What would they learn about the “true” you that would be embarrassing?  Unfortunately most of us have something that we are not proud of, a hidden vice, or a little secret that we work so hard to hide from everyone.  How much energy do we spend try to hold on to our vice and then covering our tracks? 

       We all know our own secrets, we know what is wrong and we are reminded each time we indulge ourselves.  Over time our discomfort wanes and our appetite increases, eventually we become a slave to our addiction.  We are soon consumed by guilt. The guilt coupled with shame separates us further from God and His ability to free us from this addiction, thus our downward spiral continues. This secret sin not only starts to take over our lives it hinders our relationship with God, effectively destroying us on two levels. 

      Take the time to ask yourself, “If I died right now, what would they find?” Anything we are hiding needs to be dealt with, nothing is beyond forgiveness and through God we can break any addiction.  The first step is to face yourself, be honest about what you are doing and why – no excuses or justification – just a good honest assessment.  In life we are promised nothing and once our time has come there are no “do overs.”  

Keep Getting Sucked In?

Proverbs 17:14   "Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out."

Proverbs 17:19  "He who loves to quarrel loves sin; he who builds a high gate invites destruction."

 

 

 

    How often after we have an argument with someone do we regret it? Or feel like it was a complete waste of our time and our breath? It is so easy to be drawn into an argument, especially if we feel we are right. It is almost as if we feel that we should correct the other person and make them see the error of their ways. Unfortunately the other person usually feels the same way about their views and the exchange continues. An argument is a gateway to other sins - pride, anger, hatred, un-forgiveness,...

    I do not believe that these verses mean that we should never disagree or state our beliefs, however there is a fine line between stating our position and arguing to "be right." An argument involves emotions, often times as our emotional levels increase our ability to remain logical and rational diminishes. No matter how peaceful an exchange may begin, there is a point at which we can feel the tensions beginning to escalate. It is at that moment that we know we will soon be arguing and peaceful discussions will cease. Then we need to make a decision - continue, take time to let the emotions die down and if need be discuss the issue later, or just agree to disagree. 

    Is it better to be right or be at peace? There are very few things that are a clear win / lose situation, an argument damages both people and rarely changes either's previous belief or view. It is much more effective to discuss things, exchanging ideas equally, than it is to argue in hopes of changing the other's view. Something to think about.. When we argue with the hope of making the other person accept our side and change their own position, aren't we essentially saying that our view is the only one that is correct?     

"Money, Money, Money by the Pound..."

Luke 10:13  "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else's property, who will give you property on your own? No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and ."

 

 

 

 These verses are taken from Jesus' parable of the Shrewd Manager and was in front of the Pharisees, who happened to love money. The essence of the message is to do what is right with whatever you are entrusted with, that your actions will be a reflection of your heart.

    When I began thinking about this parable the song from Pete's Dragon, "Money, Money, Money by the Pound," came to mind. It is so true of today's society, money above all else. We sacrifice family, integrity, honor, morals, and even love for money. Unfortunately the love, or lust, of money is a never ending quest, there is never enough. One of my friends asked me if I knew how long a raise lasted. His answer, until the next paycheck!Once we have more money our lifestyle increase to accommodate our new fortune. Often times we overlook God in this equation.

    Do you thank Him for blessing you? Give the credit to God or take it for yourself? - after all you earned it, right? I am not going to lecture or debate if you should tithe and how much, but we are told to help those in need. That assistance is not limited to money, it is your time and your talents as well. God calls us to work and to give of ourselves.You cannot love God and love Money because eventually one will win out. The manner in which we use the talents and gifts God blesses us with directly effects the blessing and gifts we receive in the future. So are you choosing to listen to God or E.F. Hutton?

Revenge? Anger?

Romans 12:17-21  "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge. I will repay." says the Lord. On the contrary:  "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

 

 

    This verse is very tough to apply. Everything in our being wants revenge for those who wrong us, but we want mercy when we are the offender. We all know someone that is just difficult to deal with, that just thinking about having to interact with them makes our teeth clinch. God calls us to live in peace with everyone - though there is a qualifier there "as far as it depends on you". We are to try to live at peace but some people are not going to allow it. That is when we must apply the first part of the passage, "do what is right in the eyes of everyone." As long as we are not allowing ourselves to be pulled down by the "game" we will be much better for it. Besides God will enact His justice as He sees fit. So it may seem like there is no reward in "taking the high road," but then again where would you rather have your rewards, here or heaven?

Somethings Are Better Left Not Said....

Proverbs 20:3 "It is to a man's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel."

 

 

    How often have we all said something without thinking and wish we had never said it? How about lash out at a loved one, but spoke from anger and not love?

    Controlling our own tongue, especially when we are hurt or angry, can be the hardest thing we will ever do. Think about your last argument (or exchange) with a loved one when you were angry or upset. Did your lashing out solve anything? Typically it will only add fuel to the fire, often times your anger will take an argument down many tangents - after all, once you reach a certain point it is all about being right, winning, or hurting them too, right? At that point we stop listening and become very defensive, if they choose the wrong word - watch out! We stop listening to their heart and we are searching for ammunition. In the end things are often more complicated than when they began and nothing really gets resolved.

    Next time you find yourself headed down that path, try to take a step back and look at the big picture. It just may save you an apology later, and who knows you might hear what the other person is actually saying.

Pressure Builds....

    I have taken a break from my writing... well not so much a break but I have withdrawn from most things over the past couple weeks.  I am currently trying to prepare myself for several battles at once - the sad part is, none of it is in my control.  I have pulled away from people and isolated myself to such a degree that I am staring at my old blanket - that comfortable, familiar, and dark mood that slowly eats us from the inside - depression.

    I have a meeting with my ex-wife and her lawyer to try to agree on a child sharing plan for my children.  This meeting has started me thinking and trying to be objective to the best interest of my children - but at the same time I am forced to replay all the lies and deceit that has gone on for more than two years now.  Trying to take the "high road" or be "the bigger person", has led me to the verge of bankruptcy and allowed her to profit from this process.  She is the one that wanted to leave the marriage, had the boyfriend, lives with him...  Anyway, I am sure I am not alone in dealing with this.  However, I turned my back on my reading - my books and the Bible, I stopped writing, and I found myself preferring to be alone or engage in superficial distractions than to actually push through this mess.

    God tells us not to worry - He tells us that He will take care of us and provide us with what we need - and He also tells us that justice is His alone.  Great! So what does that mean for me?  I have tried to see things from a different point of view - but to be honest I can only step back so far before I get sucked back in.  I have tried to move forward in many arenas, but seem to trip out of the gate.  God never said our lives would be easy - so I had to ask myself why?  Why is this happening? Why am I getting screwed? Why, Why, Why? 

    About then I got hit in the head with a brick - inside I knew that I was looking at this wrong.  Instead of looking at what I do not have, I needed to look at what I do have.  There was a point when my job could have changed - I could have gotten what Ithought was a good deal, but it fell through and I went somewhere else.  Fast forward 7 months - I have a totally accommodating assignment that will give me the flexibility to properly care for my children and hopefully lead to me gaining full custody... the job I thought was good - it no longer exists and their future with the company is in doubt.  There are several other areas where I have been taken care of and God is still guiding me - no leading me - through these turbulent waters, I just have to hold on and trust HE has it.

    I guess the point of my rant is a period of self reflections and self realization. It is funny how we cry out for God when we are hurting and broken - sometimes we are not as broken as we would like to think we are... but when we are really in deep we grab the wheel as if to say, "Hold on God, let me show you where we need to go!"  Eventually - and thankfully - most of the time we soon realize that we are going in circles or racing backward... then we need to humble ourselves, get back in the back seat and let God take the wheel.  The hardest part about riding in the backseat is realizing there is not a wheel there - and there was not supposed to be one.  God in his mercy forgives us for snatching the wheel from Him, but we need to submit our lives to His will and allow Him to navigate the dangers ahead.  There will be trials and their will be issues but He will get us through.

    I remember seeing bumper stickers when I was a kid - "God is my Co Pilot", everyone though they were clever and a great motto to keep.  I think there are too many letters in that saying - God should be the Pilot - but our society and pride would never encourage complete obedience to God.  We must remember we do not live in a Godly world, the justice system, the values, the complete basis of life here on earth has been tainted and distorted from what God intended.  When things do not seem fair or right, we have to remember who determines what is fair - it is not for us to decide, even when we think we are right!

I know God CAN..... BUT this is ME!

Mark 5:25-34  "And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for 12 years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors nd spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, "If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed." Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.

    At once Jesus realized that power had gone out of from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, "Who touched my clothes?"

    "You see the people crowding against you," his disciples answered, "and yet you can ask, 'Who touched me?' "

    But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

 

   There are several keys to this story. The woman had been bleeding / suffering for twelve years! The doctors of the time could do nothing to ease her pain. While she submitted to the doctor's care, it cost her all her money and I imagine her hope as well. Put yourself in the woman's shoes for a moment, the doctors are telling her she is hopeless and are most likely resorting to some "questionable" practices. I am sure her friends are telling her that she needs to just accept her fate and give up... but she doesn't.  She is desperate.

    Then she knows that Jesus is coming, she knows of his miracles and most importantly believes he can heal her.  So she acts on her faith and is healed.  She could have easily saw the crowd and said "oh well, there are so many people, I can not possibly reach him." But she took a chance and held on to her faith and trusted in God's power.

    After this miracle, Jesus went and raised a girl from the dead.  That story is even a little more telling - the people were there already mourning the little girl, so everyone was telling the parents to give up hope - but through the faith of the parents the girl was healed.

    God can do all things - the Bible is full of examples... the common thread is faith.  It is not always our own faith that heals us, but the faith and prayer of others can help keep us strong and heal us too.  The one question I can not answer is this - Why as Christians do we allow the world to rob our faith?  Our faith can move mountains, raise the dead, the blind can see, and the lame walk - all through faith - it only makes sense that Satan would do everything in his power to rob us of our faith and in turn the blessings God has for us.... Why do we let him?

Random Thoughts

2/19

 

            I cannot seem to keep myself focused on the here and now – I constantly drift to the future or reliving the past.  Why can I not keep focused?  I sit and think, come up with things I know I need to do… but I fail to execute.  Before I realize it, another week has slipped by.  What is wrong with me? 

            How do I get rid of the pain and anger inside me?  How do we guard our heart, yet keep it soft at the same time?  I find myself constantly looking for an excuse to close the door on someone, life is simpler alone – yet desperately unfulfilling and lonely – but simpler.  What have I yet to learn?  I can see the cycles in my life and understand the ones that have led me to this place – I know what is good and how I need to go about working towards it, how do I get the monkeys off my back?  Heck at times it feels like an entire zoo!

            Depression is a familiar blanket.  It wraps you tight and engulfs your world, pretty soon you get used to the lack of light. In fact you begin to embrace the darkness and it comforts you – after all it is familiar.  There are no new expectations, only the familiar voices of failure and disappointment – couple them with inadequacy and worthlessness and you have your own support group. When life gets hard or turbulent – your blanket is there to sooth you.  Just retreat to depression and you will soon be back in familiar ground.  It is a trap I have found myself in several times in my life… the trick is how do we break it?

            I cannot answer my own question… I only know that it must be broken to thrive and grow spiritually and emotionally. It takes God to break it – I know that, but we need a support network too.  People that do not judge us or condemn us, but helps encourage us – sometimes give us tough love too… but most of all someone that we know loves us no matter what.  We know God does, but I also believe he places people in our life to help us through those tough times too. 

I am currently going through an inventory – a friend and influence inventory. It is really hard. Sometimes when you start to limit the influence people have in your life they become bitter – but I believe their response shows their heart… most often my choices have been right.  I pray and ask God’s wisdom; usually he will show you where you need to sever ties and where you need to strengthen them.

I never claim to have all the answers, I have just made enough mistakes that I have learned some things… usually not on the first go round – I have the zoo to prove it!

Be Thankful...

Thessalonians 5:16-18  "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

 

    I heard someone say that if you are on welfare in America that more wealthy than most people in the world.  It is easy in our society to get caught up in what we are "lacking"... feel sorry for ourselves or complain about our job, money, cars, etc.  It is an easy trap to fall into, we live in a time where instant gratification is king. 

    The verse is simple, yet profound.. It does not tell us to be thankful once a year, or for our blessings... it says to give thanks in all circumstances. Some of our greatest blessing comes from when God does not give us what we "want", but he teaches us what we need. Take the time daily to thank God for what he has given you.  The spirit of contentment will help keep you calm during the most trying times.

Revelation....

Revelation 12:10-12  " Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say: 'Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. Therefore rejoice, you heavens and you who dwell in them! But woe to the earth and the sea, because the devil has gone down to you! He is filled with fury, because he knows that his time is short.'"

 

    This passage is talking about when Satan and his followers were cast out of heaven.  The interesting parts of this verse is that the "accuser of our brothers..." and "they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death."  Satan constantly attacks us, we are in a spiritual battle that we can not win with our physical bodies alone!  Satan appeals to our sinful nature and uses everything he can to distance us from God - he is very efficient at convincing us that we are not good enough and do not deserve to receive the blessings God has for us. Our testimony, the way we live our lives, is our greatest weapon we have in this battle.  Mere words are not enough, it takes a change of heart and letting our actions speak for us - our fruits reflect our hearts.

 

A Resource....

    As I was surfing the web the other day I stumbled across a site that offers a great deal of information and could prove to be a valuable resource. http://www.bible.org/index.php?scid=1 can provide additional views and seems to touch on a wide range of issues as well. Often times we need to challenge ourselves and our views, research and gain knowledge, and just know that we are not alone - I think this site can help many of us no matter where we are.

Gossip....

Proverbs 26:22  " The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man's inmost parts."

Proverbs 26:20  " Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down"

    As I have worked through certain trials in my life I have noticed that I can always find a "friend" that wants to listen, sometimes these friends are fellow Christians.  Unfortunately, I have learned some tough lessons through these experiences too.  Things I had shared in confidence or when I needed advice or support were quickly spread among people that I did not know or did not have the confidence or comfort to share with.

    The first verse addresses the appeal of gossip - there is something in our nature that craves to know what is happening to the people around us and we have this desire to be "in the know".  We must resist that urge to share what we know with others - if someone does not need to know, there is often little point in sharing.  If you are sharing in order to gain knowledge or glean wisdom to help the person with their problems, you still need to respect the confidence of the person that opened up to you.  We all need help or advice from others at some point in our lives. If you were working through your deepest, darkest secrets and need help, would you want the person you confide in to share your problems with everyone they knew?  The same level of respect you would expect you should give.

      When we gossip people get hurt.  We hurt the relationship and trust of the person that confided in us - but we also run the risk of spreading lies and helping distort and destroy a persons character etc.  Personally I have lost a few people I considered friends because they betrayed my trust. I confided in them during a time of trouble and they helped comfort me... however I soon heard from others the things I had said - some true and some not. These things were not meant to be shared, but it also hurt that the person I confided in and the things they had told me lost value.  They lost my trust because they shared things with others, but their actions did not follow what they told me they believed. So now I am left wondering, "Did they mean what they said, or did they just say it so I would continue to talk and give them things to talk about with their friends?"

    We all need to think about what we are saying and if we need to say it...  Proverbs 11:13 says, "A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret."

When You Are Down....

Psalm 34 :  "I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together. 

    I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.

    Taste and see what that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. 

    Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord. Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.

    The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry; the face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

    The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

    A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.

    Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. The Lord redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him."

 

"I won't do it again... I promise!"

    My daughters are two years apart in age, they are best friends and at times they are mortal enemies.  At times it seems like they would fight over a piece of string... it is nerve racking.  The second they sense they are in trouble the promises start - "We won't fight anymore, we promise.  We won't do it again!  ..."  I am sure every parent has heard the laundry list of excuses and empty promises that children use to avoid punishment.  Today my girls were in one of their moods and I started thinking - Isn't that how we treat God?

   Human nature is self serving at best, so we tend to do whatever we want or what gives us pleasure and often ignore the consequences.  When it is time to pay for our actions, we cry out to God - "We won't do it again!  I promise if you get me through this I will never...." I am speaking from personal conviction, but figured I am probably not alone. 

    We often wonder why God allows us to suffer and go through hard times... maybe because it is the only way we learn.  I do not enjoy punishing my children, sometimes they do not understand just talking to them - it takes something more to make them understand and to be truly sorry. Maybe through our suffering or trials that God is hoping for us to have a true change of heart.  Next time instead of just promising God a change, maybe we should look a little deeper and ask "Why am I here? What did I do to help put myself here?  What do I need to change?"

Reflection

As I sit here I am forced to face all the mistakes of my past… stare each one in the eye and own my blame and accept my fate.  I have no one but myself to blame for my current situation – no one to hang my excuses on… they are mine and mine alone.  How can I expect others to trust me when I can not even handle my own life and have made a mess of everything I have touched?  A father is not supposed to have to worry about how his crying will hurt his children – or struggle to smile as he tells them he did not get a chance to go to the grocery store – when the truth is he does not have the money to get them the little extras they are used to.  It is easy to hate others for this situation – but I chose to marry, I chose to spend, and now I must figure out how to cope and deal with my mess I am facing.  It does make it hard to swallow that I have to give her more money than I get a month to live on, that she has profited from her lies and cheating… but I can not condemn her for that, it is her life and her lies and conduct are between her and God.  I can only try to work through the forgiveness and allow God to heal me – right now I have a hard time facing myself…

            Over the past year I have successfully isolated myself from most people – my days without the girls are spent alone in thought.  I have lost the desire and pleasure of working out or just doing “normal” activities.  I am haunted by my finances… everything I do is in the fear of money.  I wish I could escape and start over… I am tormented by failing my children – by being a disappointment to them.  Will they look back at me when they are older and resent me?  Will they remember me as an isolated and broken man?  They know that I love them, but sometimes that just doesn’t seem like enough.  In my head I know that is the wrong attitude… but my heart hurts.

            I am a romantic and often dream of the happy ever after – but am I just a foolish dreamer?  Can anyone really love me and rely on me… Will they ever take the chance to let me love them?  Am I that screwed up? At times I do not want to know the answer to that… because I think I am.  I get all these grand ideas – I write poems, believe it when people tell me I have a gift to write and I should pursue publishing them…. I let my dreams begin – why?  I have never completed anything in my life!  People think I have it together, but I have failed at so many things it is absurd. I want so bad to do well and right by my children and by my future wife…. Am I destined to fail them too? To quit is wrong, to not try is a sin!  What do I do? 

            How do you explain to someone that they are all you want? That you understand their heart ache – you might not have experienced all their pain, but you can relate and have had and still have your own issues. That each night when you go to sleep you think and long for the day you can hold them and them alone!  The thought of them not in your life is unbearable!  You physically ache to touch their cheek! Even when you can not see good in yourself, you want to give everything to make them smile!  One kiss will erase years of pain… one hug will bring hope and security to a world of chaos.  Alone we spin and slip deeper into the mire we are in… together we will thrive and our darkened would will be full of color and suddenly become alive.

            I can not explain to anyone how I got to the place I am at now… no one put me here – this is the result of decisions I have made throughout my life… each one built upon the other. Hindsight I can see a lot of my mistakes and I have learned from many of them – why am I here, I am not sure.  What will I learn through this? – I can not answer that either.  I hope that I will gain my partner in life – the one I will spend the rest of my life with and together we will provide the stability and love OUR family will require.

            When I take the time to detach my emotions from things I can see where I need to separate myself from the world.  To not allow the repeated disappointments I feel from my father to impact my self worth… the repeated rejection from the women in my past to determine my future… the failures of my biological father and my step father to determine what kind of father I will be… my history of isolation and rejection, of not having friends and being judged to limit my ability to interact… how simple rejection and cruel laughter still impact my self esteem and how I perceive myself! – I know inside that I am doing these things and I should not allow them to have power over me, but how do I stop it? She does not see how scared I am to give everything I am to her… that inside I have the same voices she does… but I HATE where this vicious cycle leads and I do not want to find myself here again.  That is why I want to be with her and never let go… I know that we are right, but we have to act on faith and determination… that is our only hope of getting out of this. 

            When I stop to think about it – I am scared to death!  What if I fail her, if I disappoint her, if I can not meet her needs?  What if she leaves me? What if… What if… What if… Then in a moment of clarity I think… We will be happy! We will love each other forever! We are meant to be!  That little word, “if”, can destroy all hope.  We simply commit to each other and to our family – renew that each day and take each day as it comes.  The Bible tells us not to worry, if is a word of worry!  We need to hope; we need to believe; we need to love. – Corinthians tells us what Love is – and it will heal all things, though Love, time and God’s grace we will be whole!

            Our past does not define our future, it only influences who we are to the degree we allow it. God can heal all things, if we allow it.

HOW?

Usually I quote a scripture before I begin, something that I have read that has spoken to me... this time I have chosen to just write.  How do you forgive yourself? When you stop and take a deep look at yourself, how do you forgive that ugly person looking back at you?  Are you not reminded of all the times you have repented of things and asked God to forgive you - only to go right back out and fall into the same trap? 

    I do believe God forgives us, the cycle comes from the heart and not having a complete change of heart and removing the foothold from your life. Changing your heart takes lots of one on one time and brutal honesty with God, He will change your heart and show you where those footholds are – though you still have to remove them. 

   I have been working through removing footholds from my life,  because I did not like who I saw in the mirror.  I was haunted by the skeletons and poor decisions of my past and through God’s grace I can heal my spirit. Eventually becoming the man God has called me to be. 

   Though I still struggle with forgiving myself… there are real world consequences for our actions and those actions can cause loved ones to suffer.  So as that suffering is manifested, how do you forgive yourself?  You can use it as a reminder so you never fall into that trap again… but you still suffer.

 

Clean and Unclean....

Matthew 15:7-20  “You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you:

                        ‘These people honor me with their lips,

                            but their hearts are far from me.

                        They worship me in vain;

                            their teachings are but rules taught by men.’

            Jesus called the crowd to him and said, “Listen and understand. What goes into a man’s mouth does not make him ‘unclean,’ but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him ‘unclean.’ … “Don’t you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and make a man ‘unclean.’ For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what make a man ‘unclean’; but eating with unwashed hands does not make him ‘unclean.’”

            We all need to spend time with God and work through repenting for our sins and truly changing our heart.  The only way to turn from sin is to change our heart. God’s forgiveness of our sins and us forgiving others come from a change in our own hearts. 

Everything begins with the heart!  It is imperative that we protect our hearts and receive Gods mercy. In doing this, we allow him to soften our hardened hearts.  How can we profess God’s love and mercy but allow profanity to dominate our vocabulary? How can we say we forgive someone, but never have a kind word?

 

Something to Think About....

Matthew 5:27-28  "You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

     This scripture is saying that if you have thought it, that you have already sinned in your heart!  When we are trying to allow God to cleanse us, we have to understand this concept.  This is not just limited to sexual sin, any time you are envious or jealous you allow yourself to begin down this path.  The more you dwell on and fantasize about some one the more obsessed you can become. Before you may even realize it, you have perverted something that could have been good into a stronghold of sin.  We must all examine our hearts and purge ourselves of these things and continually pray for God’s strength and wisdom in dealing with these issues.  Through constant prayer and self examination, God can heal us, we have to simply be willing to hear him.

Web Of Lies

I am going to try to add to this weekly – these posts will also be included on a new blog I will be publishing soon about the “End Times.” Hopefully these posts will cause us to stop and reflect on our lives and examine our hearts.

          We are in a spiritual battle and we need to protect ourselves from false teachings and comfort based beliefs. The best lies are based mainly on fact, Satan is the author of lies.  If he can take things out of context from the Bible, twist it just a bit to lead people off track, or make it appealing to our sinful nature – he has won. Read the story of Adam and Eve.

Biblical Truth:  Genesis 2:16-17 “And the Lord God commanded the man, ‘You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die!”

Satan at work:  In Genesis the serpent speaks with Eve, pay close attention to what he said, “Did God really say…” (Gen 3:1) then in verse four and five – “You will not surely die,…for God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God…” The classic formula, insert a little doubt and then offer some type of power – this speaks straight to our sinful nature.  I have listed a few modern applications of this formula – the same formula throughout time.

Worldly View:   “Does God really say homosexuality is wrong? Isn’t that the same God that tells us not to judge?  We need to accept everyone and not talk about homosexuality because that might offend them!”

Biblical Truth: Leviticus 18:22 “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.” – Also read Romans 1:18-32, Leviticus 20:13, and 1 Corinthians 6:9-11.

Food For Thought:  God does tell us not to judge and to love one another. Jesus did not shun prostitutes, tax collectors, or any sinner but he did require they repent and change their hearts. Just because we do not condone or enable a certain lifestyle does not me we are judging – you can love the person and still not approve of their actions.

Worldly View: “If I go to church on Sunday and I ask God to forgive me then I am OK. I can live my life how I want as long as I tell God I am sorry on Sunday and promise to try harder next week. God says that if we repent, he forgives us right?”

Biblical Truth: James 1:21-25 “Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in the mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it – he will be blessed in what he does.” Also read Matthew 23.

Food For Thought: The Bible is full of examples of God’s mercy and forgiveness but each of these events is a result of a change in a person’s heart. God looks at our hearts and our fruits – simply going to church and going through the motions might allow you to deceive yourself. I am not judging anyone, only you know your own heart – just something to think about.

I Forgive....

This is an exerpt from another blog that I think could benefit us all....

" I never knew my biological father, he and my mom divorced when I was very young. I know that he was abusive and would physically beat my mom. I was never allowed to call him dad or daddy, only his first name.  When my mom remarried, he signed over all his rights and allowed my step father to adopt me. Until recently I never realized all the resentment I held towards him. 

   When I was eighteen years old, my "aunt" contacted my mom and asked to see me.  They did not believe that I had chosen not to make contact with them, though this time I agreed to meet them. My one condition was that my "father" was not to be there.  I had taken a vow that I would physically hurt him if I ever saw him, I held all that anger all those years. The meeting was ok, nothing too exciting - though I felt they were disappointed in me.  I was not overly excited about their crops or livestock, my brother was though they really did not want much to do with him and that offended me too. 

   My father actually showed up at my aunt's house while I was there and they asked me if I wanted to see him. Again I said no and he was asked to leave - I never saw him. The next day, this classy guy pushed my 90 something year old great grandmother down and then punched my aunt and broke her jaw.  I guess some things never change.  The really hard part to understand is that my grandparents made excuses for him, he has never been held responsible..."

This is taken from a post in the category "I Forgive..."   I encourage you to view this blog and share your experiences too.  Forgiving someone is truly a freeing and healing experience.   The address for the other blog is  http://batteredwarrior.typepad.com/forgiving/

What Is Love

1 Corinthians 13:3-8  "If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails."

Matthew 5:43-45  "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and unrighteous."

  God tells us to love our enemies! By obeying God, we are freeing ourselves to experience His forgiveness and drawing closer to Him.  I believe this is a vital concept to understand in healing old wounds and growing  new relationships.  When we pray for those who have hurt us or continue to attack us, we are putting that relationship back in God's hands. We are letting God judge and we are accepting His plan and recognizing that He is in control.  By loving someone and praying for them we are not condoning or agreeing with their actions, we are simply asking God to help them come closer to Him. Though our obedience we will be blessed. Proverbs 16:7. "When a man's ways are pleasing to the Lord, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him."  We must worry about what we can change and that is our hearts - with God's healing and grace.  As God brings healing, pray that he fills that place that was harboring heart, hatred, and pain with His joy and love. 

When we understand what God says love is (1 Cor 13:3-8), we can start to grasp how He loves us and how he commands us to treat others.  God does not say "tolerate", "like", "co-exist", or "avoid" your enemies- He said Love!  I continually struggle with this concept myself and I have incorporated this verse in my daily prayers.  I ask God to teach me to love as He loves and to show me the areas where my heart is still hard.  - be careful what you ask for, it is painful at times - however God does not leave you broken.  He reveals something to you and if you obey Him, let it go, and give it to Him completely, the reward is amazing. I have had to let go of some very hurtful things in my past but once I trusted God to take it from me, a huge weight came off my shoulders and I could feel the joy inside.  Forgiving and healing are long processes, but God will get us through it if we trust him. We are not meant to carry the pain and hurt we keep in our hearts, God wants to heal us.  Forgiveness is one of the steps in the process - first you have to know Him.

From my blog: http://batteredwarrior.typepad.com/forgiving/2008/10/what-is-love.html

New Blog

Colossians 3:12-13 "...clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

  I have started another blog http://batteredwarrior.typepad.com/forgiving/ .  It will focus on forgiving and I am hoping give people a forum to talk about their pain and experiences.  I have added an email address and I will gladly take emails from people who wish to share.  I will respect your privacy and only cut and paste them - I am not here to judge only to try to encourage people to become whole. My prayer is that God will bless those that read the blog as much as those that contribute to it.

  It is vital to understand that we are not the first person to experience these struggles and there are others that have been able to overcome similar trials.  Through faith and love we will be healed and become what God intended.

 

Forgiveness

  Tonight I went to my men's group at church and heard a gentleman speak named Nathan Daniel.  He was talking about healing your heart through forgiveness.  Mr. Daniel a pastor for Freedom Through Forgiveness Ministries, www.ftfm.biz . As I listened to him speak a lot of things made sense.  He talked about things that men do or become "addicted" to and how it can come back to an unresolved conflict in our past.  Using Biblical examples he showed how by not resolving an issue it can fester and eventually lead to a hardened heart.  These issues also invite Satan to have a place in our lives.  I took his message to heart and began doing a little soul searching.  I realized that I owe a lot of people apologizes and needed to forgive others for things I had buried long ago.  I am still discovering things about myself though I can already feel a difference.  Ultimately we all desire a relationship were we can feel accepted on every level and comfortable being transparent with our partner... I believe that Mr. Daniel and his gift provide a valuable tool to begin that journey.

Mirror

Proverbs 27:19 "As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man."

   Mirrors are funny things, they can show us anything we want.  We can manipulate them to make us shorter or taller and to magnify things or get a different perspective - we can basically distort reality to our choosing. However, have you ever looked into your own eyes in a mirror?  Really taken the time to examine yourself through your eyes? Most of us can't stop to take an honest look at ourselves. It is far to painful.

   We distort our reality and our memories of the past to hide or dull our pain. We spend so much energy trying protect ourselves from reality.  Every child wants to be a hero or something "grand" when they grow up, how many of us can accept what we have become. I am reminded of the television character, Al Bundy -" four touchdowns in one game!"  He identified himself and his worth by an event that happened in the past.

  I personally have been trying to weigh my past and really look at this for what they were.  Not to relive it or change it, but to learn why I do things that I do. Where my personal biases come from and why I believe certain things.  I have also been repenting and confessing things I have done - lightening the baggage I carry. Max Lucado's book "Traveling Light", has been a big help.  It is a long and tedious process. 

   I believe we are works in progress and God is not done with us. He will continue to show us things we need to improve or remove from our lives to bring us closer to Him.  I know that I have my weaknesses and there things I am not proud of.  I owe many people apologies and I need to forgive many others... God is not done with me and I am thankful He has been patient with me. If you feel you are caught in a cycle of hopelessness and despair, try looking in the mirror and examining yourself.  It is painful but God can heal all things, we just have to let him.

Broken Hearted

     Have you ever been so in love that the mere thought of being without that person crushes your spirit.  Whenever you are apart you wonder what they are doing, or you daydream of when you will see them next.  To some I may be describing infatuation - and that might be true to a point.  Though what I am talking about is not just a feeling, it is a sense of self.  Everything in your being knows you are to be with this person, you mesh on every level.  You see your future and know this is right. A selfless love, the type of love some believe only exists in fairy tales... but you know it is true.

   Now imagine it taken away -  denied by forces beyond your control, fueled by misunderstandings and fear.  You are helpless and devastated.  The other person believes they are sparing you from heart ache and that the fear of more pain is too great... your world has just been turned upside down. No communication, just left with your own thoughts and screaming "why!"  There are things that need to be said, fears to be silenced, and a chance to be taken. 

    How can I find myself here... was on top of the world, I felt hope, love, happiness, and a sense of peace about the future.  Now I can not even see the sun............ I know they are afraid and I do understand that. I am scared too. But the pain I feel now is so great, worse than anything I have ever felt.  We are in control of our future and our lives, why choose to suffer because of what might happen... Communication is the key, the fears can be silenced with communication... without it we suffer in the darkness. Will I remain this empty shell?  How do I smile now?

Have You Ever Been in Love?

     Have you ever been in Love?  I do not mean infatuation, lust, or the warm fuzzy feeling with all the butterflies - I mean Love.  A love that consumes you.  When they hurt, you hurt.  The mere mention of their name brings a smile to your soul.  You want to give them all you have and protect them from the world.  You finally realize that you are a better person with them than you could ever be alone.  You can tell them things you have never shared with anyone - not only can you, you want to.  As you go, through your day you can not wait to share your experiences - or when you see something new, you wish they were there to share it.  I love that your spirit aches to hold them, nothing sexual, just hold their hand and look into their eyes.  You would sacrifice all that you have, all that you are, and all that you will be - just to see them smile.  That kind of Love - Have you ever been in Love? 

     If you have - now what?  Do you allow fear to rob you of your happiness and joy - if things go wrong it would be devastating!  Do you question their love - why would they love you?  Are you consumed with the thought that you do not deserve to be loved like that so you can not accept it? Does your past and all the lies about you grip you so tight you can not breathe - so you run?  If you ever have the chance to Love - the Love I am speaking of, grab it - it is rare.  If someone Loves you the way I am talking about - do not believe the lies and doubts you have... Love is a gift you can not earn!  True Love is freely given. True Love is based and comes from God's love - He gave us the blueprint on how to love.

"Hello, my name's Forrest, Forrest Gump..."

            I am confused, hurt, lost, and beside myself.  Have you ever believed in something with all your heart and everything you have?  You pray about it and have a sense of peace and believe what you are doing is right?  You can see your future, you are happy, you know this is what you were meant to do, and that you were made to come together?  Then you get hit, blind sided and devastated?  You never wanted to see it coming, you chose to hope beyond hope and love with all you have… but you are left feeling it is not good enough. Am I fatally flawed?  Why am I not worth a chance?  If all the things we said were true, why are we here? 

            I have tremendous hope that this is not over… my soul aches.  I know that they are hurting too. The demons of their past have a death grip on their spirit and is trying to kill them.  I only hope and pray that they will take my hand.  Together we will heal and become more than we would ever be by ourselves. 

            In our lives fear can grip us so tight that we are paralyzed, or we flee and deny ourselves a future.  It you are unhappy now, why not take a chance.  Why allow the “what if’s” to haunt us forever?  I can not force anyone to try…  I can only hope that they will.  Until then I must wait and pray.  I know it is true. To quote Forrest Gump, “I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is!”  J, I love you.

I Do Not Get It....

            I am sitting here, yet again trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Why can I not find my happiness?  If I found it, would I be allowed to keep it?  I am annoyed and angry with everything and ready to fight.  I have no patience, no sympathy, and most important, no compassion.

           I can not understand when people complain about their lives and how others “ruin” things for them.  These are the same people that will not break the cycle.  They give everyone else power over their lives, and then complain that they are not happy.  You know your heart, not anyone else – but if you let others dictate your life, you have no one to blame but yourself for your current situation. Though I am guilty of this too…. How do we set boundaries?

            I am VERY guilty of this trap myself.  I have allowed my hopes and happiness to be determined by others, only to find myself crushed and alone on a regular basis.  I take people at their word.  A promise is a promise, an apology comes from the heart, and the words “I love you” are priceless.  I forget that we live in a world that is corrupt and determined to crush and destroy everything in its path.  I forget that instead of turning to God, we tend to look inward and try to “fix” things ourselves.  We can’t.  We can not fix anything without God.  Sure we can put a band aid on just about anything, or convince ourselves we have.  In reality a band aid does nothing for a severed limb, but we go about our daily routine comforting ourselves and our self aid.  Then we can not understand why we are bleeding everywhere, making a mess, and suddenly our body begins to fail from all the disease and infection we have introduced by our own doing.

            What is the answer?  God.  Sound like a cop out?  Maybe to some, but to anyone that has experienced His healing it is the only answer.  We can only be properly and permanently healed by our creator….

NOTE

at* Just a note – I have had several people try to “figure me out” through my blog and my statements.  I have also had people think I am writing specifically about them, please do not think I am condemning, attacking, or singling anyone out.  I pray and I write. I draw from my life, my views, and experiences I have either lived or know people who have.  I write to let people know they are not alone and maybe touch someone’s life.  Please do not use them to judge me and try to figure out my life and my choices – if you are reading my blog for that purpose, you are missing the point.

Who are Your Friends?

Proverbs 20:19  " A gossip betrays confidence; so avoid a man who talks to much."

     Throughout life we have to decide who are friends are and who we trust with our inner most secrets. I have never had many friends, I believe it is better to have a couple true friends than many "friends".  When asked if someone is my friend, I typically clarify that I know them, not often do I refer to them as a friend. I have been hurt by friends in the past betraying my confidence or when they make my personal life topic of discussion with others that I may or may not know.

    Have you ever had something you say in confidence to another person come back to you through a totally random person?  You feel crushed, foolish, and often times it comes back twisted, manipulated, or taken out of context.  So you not only have to deal with the initial betrayal you might have to explain yourself and try to regain your credibility - all because you trusted someone.

     We all need people to confide in and to trust, we just need to not open ourselves too quickly.  Think about your friends.  There are people I am sure you can tell anything to, or at least I would hope so.  However think about your close circle of friends.  Do you have one that loves to tell you how everyone else is doing, maybe even try to encourage you through sharing about someone else's life. While it can be comforting you need to be cautious.  If they are sharing details of someone else's life, ask yourself a couple questions:  Would I want them telling these things about me?  How do they know so much about everyone?  Maybe they are a genuine friend and people confide in them... however sometimes those things told in that setting are meant to be left in confidence!

     We need to guard our hearts and be realistic too.  If you have a friend that likes to tell everything they know, or their favorite thing to talk about is other people and problems, you might want to filter what you tell them.  There is no shame in having minimal friends, it may actually help you.  People who gossip may mean well and not understand the damage they can cause. I had this betrayal occur to me during my divorce, my so called Christian friends would discuss my plight or what I as doing.  This eventually filter back to my ex, not that I was doing anything wrong - it was more things that I wanted for custody, my thoughts etc.  When my ex approached me with it I was devastated. It was things I told a person in confidence and I believed they were genuinely concerned for my and my children - but to tell several others and let the "telephone" game lose... it was wrong. 

     We need to see our "friends" for who they really are and be careful of who we view as counsel and who we tell things to. 

Now What?

      Have you ever allowed yourself to Love?  I mean really Love?  The kind of love that you put everything you are in to that other person.  You allow yourself to daydream about what life WILL be like.  You sit and think of different ways to show them how special they are to you - you want to make them happy and make them feel loved.  Thoughts of them consume your day - every idle moment is spent on them and even non idle moments.  You get a smile when you think of them.  Your phone rings and your pulse quickens in hopes that you will hear their voice. You love them!

     I know there are skeptics saying that what I have described is some cross between the puppy love and infatuation, but I am talking about something much deeper.  Yes, it sounds similar - but everything in your being knows this is right, this is true - they are "the one".  However, what do you do when fear grips you?  Do you fight and push through or are you frozen?  The relationship I am talking about scares everyone to their core - to have this relationship you have to be totally vulnerable and open. You have to trust and you must be honest, not only with them but with yourself!!

     We have all "been in love", but few ever find what I am talking about.  It is that love that you see in the elderly couple sitting on the park bench still holding hands after 50 years.  Not the love Hollywood sells - not the superficial, here today gone tomorrow marriages that our society has grown to accept.  I am talking about loving someone with the Love the Bible talks about, that love. 

     Though my question is this - Now what?  Once we find it, now what?  Do we risk ourselves for something that we know is right, or do we settle for something less?   Is it really a risk if we know it is right?  Society and the world would have us believe that it is a huge risk, one that we are foolish to take because we have to trust in something other than ourselves... I think it is a bigger risk to either stay idle or walk away.  Anything worth having involves some risk, in this case the reward is far better than anything I could ever imagine.  God has blessings for us that we can not begin to understand - a marriage and that relationship/ covenant is one.

     So I ask again, Now what?  Take my hand???

Alone?

Psalm 13:

     " How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?

        How long will you hide your face from me?

     How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

       and every day have sorrow in my heart?

       How long will my enemy triumph over me?

     Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.

       Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

     my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

       and my foe will rejoice when I fall.

     But I trust in your unfailing love;

       my heart rejoices in your salvation.

     I will sing to the Lord,

       for he has been good to me."

     I have struggled with bouts of depression myself and have often felt this way, that my prayers are falling on deaf ears.  Though when I reflect back, maybe I was listening to my own cries so much that I could not hear what God was saying.  My enemy was the world and its lies to keep me away from God, but when I acted on faith my cloud was lifted.  I was able to see through the fog and focus on the good things in my life and take hold of what God was offering me and slowly work through it with His help and love.  I still have tendencies to be depressed and when they come I have to focus that much more on God and his unfailing love.

Love

   Have you ever loved someone so much it hurt?   When they hurt, you hurt?  The most important thing to you is their happiness and well being?  I can not find the words to explain how I feel, I am numb.  Nothing really matters, the day is a haze.  My mind is clouded by a fog and I see her face everywhere I look.  My pulse quickens when my phone rings but is soon saddened when it is not the number I am longing for.  My thoughts are filled with what could be and hope, anxiously awaiting my fate.

   Why is it so hard to allow ourselves to experience what is good in life?  We continually expect to be hurt and disappointed.  I know that life has dealt us all more than our "fair share" of heart ache and pain - maybe so much so that we no longer allow ourselves to hope in fear of being disappointed.

    I believe that we are not created to go through life alone, that we all have at least one person that we are destined to meet and they are there to support us and build us up.  That through this relationship we will achieve more than we could alone.  God did not create us to be isolated, he created us to be social - it is our nature.  Isolation is not by His design, it comes through the pain caused by the world and its disappointments.

    I am not sure where my path will take me - hopefully it is with them by my side.  I want to be with my best friend, share myself completely and accept each other totally.  Hopefully they will see that and want the same, until then all I can do is wait.